BAD RAP: BIN LADEN MAY STILL BE US ALLY

SOURCES SAY "BAD" BIN LADEN AN ACTOR

REAL BIN LADEN US FRIEND, HOSPITALIZED

By Gordon Duff STAFF WRITER

With recent revelations that Osama bin Laden had been working with the Bush administration and CIA even while US forces were hunting him and that several Talban spokemen have turned out to be paid actors, at least one a Jew, no rumor could any longer be overlooked. 

After the announcement by former Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge that bin Laden may have been coordinating his terror offensives based on Republican Party polling needs, a reassessment of bin Laden was needed. 

We knew this going in:

• The Bush and Bin Laden familes are close, making George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden like brothers, step-brothers anyway.
• Hundreds of millions of dollars were paid to Osama bin Laden by the CIA, much under direction by the elder Bush and a series of successors.
• After 9/11, the Bush family aided the bin Laden family in avoiding FBI questioning, spiriting them out of the country at Presidential order.
• When facing capture at Tora Bora, President Bush personally intervened, pulling back US troops and assigning the "capture" to troops known to be working for bin Laden himself.  Close call!

What we are learning:

• Bin Laden might still be working for the US if he hadn’t been injured in a water skiing accident at a family outing in Kennebunkport, Maine.  Sources close to bin Laden quote him, "I’ll never get on skis with a drunk at the wheel again, AUDHU BILLAHI MIN ASH SHAYTAN AR RAJIM." 

(translation:  something about "accursed Satan")

• When told he would be treated at Walter Reed Medical Center, bin Laden reviled in terror, his confidants having informed him that this was a place disobedient soldiers were taken to be tortured and killed.  When told he would get "special treatment" he became even more agitated. "Jews got "special treatment" by the Nazis and look at them.  Mengele himself wouldn’t work at Walter Reed." 
• Confronted with accusations of terrorism, our bin Laden denied it all.  "How could I work for the CIA for years, fighting the Soviets and receiving hundreds of millions of dollars in aid and turn on friends like that?  Don’t you think the most powerful nation on Earth could have had me killed in the wink of an eye, a camel’s eye to be sure? Without my friends, the CIA would have to go back to peddling crack in Los Angeles, no bin Laden, no heroin."
• When asked about the future, bin Laden responded, "They offered me a house in Dallas near "friends."  I told they martyrdom was prefered and much less painful."

When we asked who was making all these outlandish statements and videos we have seen over the years, we were given the phone number of a theatrical agent living in West Los Angeles, adjacent to the Veterans Park.  We gave him a call…

"Hey, the actor, a long time client, had no idea the government wanted him for such a long gig.  The money is shit and living conditions in Pakistan are crap.  He was up for the Darth Vader role in Ewok Christmas a couple of years ago.  Something like that could have led to good money."

We are told there have been several actors playing bin Laden, the current one listed as "Abdul Epstein" of West Palm Beach, Fla.  We called the number but it was disconnected.

It is rumored that bin Laden is negotiating with key members of the British Parliament for a pardon.  "All my best friends live in London.  I would move there," bin Laden added.  "I figure the family could do a couple of remodel jobs for one or two officials and the British government would give me anything.  Just look at the guy they sent back to Libya."

I don’t think we can expect to see bin Laden on the BBC version of Dancing with the Stars anytime soon, however.  Bin Laden added, "Not until I can get some decent health care, these American doctors have bled by down to my last billion."

(photo:  believed to be Epstein heading for audition for road company of "Rent")

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