Aardvarks make atrocious pets

A face only a mother could love

A face only a mother could love

Editorial War Breaks out at Veterans Today – Casualty report to follow soon

 

[ Editors Note: The below the radar editorial war at VT finally goes public. Hang on folks, this could get bloody. But it is fake blood that can be washed off. As I have often said, we have to take a break and laugh at ourselves so we don’t get the big head. Below is living proof that we can do it…contrary to rumors floating around…Jim W. Dean, currently managing editor until the coup replaces me ]

… by  Kevin Barrett

 

AardvarksHere at Veterans Today we work hard to bring you the most outrageous, horrendous, cringe-inducing stories we can find.

Our goal is to send your adrenaline racing, make your blood pressure skyrocket, and send you sprinting to your local Wal-Mart to buy out their ammo stocks before the big one hits.

(Sadly, Wal-Mart refuses to pay us off for this service; when I protested to the manager, he pursued me out the door, through the parking lot, and down the street with one of their made-in-China polyester butterfly nets.)

Given our obsessive focus with exposing the mind-boggling evil of the New World Order conspiracy, you might think that our editorial team, led by such stalwarts as Jim Dean and Gordon Duff, must be forcing us to write all-conspiracy-all-the-time, while banning more pleasant topics such as fluffy kitties, homespun homilies, and the relative merits of the top five flavors of decaf Mountain Dew. Sadly, this is not the case.

Believe it or not, Duff and Dean actually encourage us to occasionally post a fluffy-kitty story at VT’s “Living” section. Jim thinks the “Living” section holds great potential, even though hardly anyone reads it. (The big exception was when Jim found some video of an insanely gorgeous nymph-goddess acrobat flitting about the upper reaches of the Williamsburg Bridge…now THAT’s “Living”!)

When Jim failed to convince us to post an occasional fluffy-kitty story in the “Living” section, Gordon upped the ante. Gordon insists that fluffy-kitty stories – or anything that connects with readers at a broadly human level – are our best life insurance.

When the bad guys are deciding whether or not to assassinate us, Gordon implies, anything that prevents them from labeling us as one-dimensional obsessive political troublemakers, and suggests that we are actually well-rounded human beings who appreciate such things as fluffy kitties, gives them pause.

Gordon says a lot of crazy stuff. The trouble is, most of it is true.

So in hopes of giving “them” pause, I have decided to publish a story about small furry creatures…companion critters, if you will. And I have decided to come at this topic from a different perspective.

Dogs have been done. Cats have been done. Rats, birds, gerbils, guinea pigs, and even ferrets have been done. But few have as yet published articles on the domestication of the common aardvark. So here we go…my attempt to remain among the “Living.”

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Aardvarks make atrocious pets

 

"Are you talking about me?"

“Are you talking about me?”

When it’s time to shop for a pet, don’t just open the Pet Yellow Pages and start with the “A’s.” If you do, you may find yourself saddled with an aardvark.

The common aardvark, sold by unscrupulous pet dealers to unsuspecting customers, makes an atrocious pet. The aardvark is the product of a drunken one-night-stand between a leprous armadillo and a rabid rat. (Warning: Do NOT watch the youtube video!)

The pet store guy will tell you an aardvark is a practical pet. He’ll say you can use its snout as a spare hose for your shop vac. Don’t you believe him! If you try that trick, your aardvark will snort your whole shop-vac right into its bloated belly.

The moral: Never trust an aardvark.

Aardvarks are said to protect their owners against invasions of African soldier-ants. As the ants approach, the aardvark emits a shrill barking noise, then noisily defecates in the general direction of the noxious insects, which then change direction and head for your neighbor’s house. (Warning: Do not watch THAT youtube video either.)

The pet-shop guy will tell you that aardvarks are status symbols. He’ll try to throw in a subscription to Aardvark Owners’ Quarterly along with your critter.

But the plain truth of the matter is that owning an aardvark marks you as a loser. If you tether it outside on your lawn, you’ll just be saying to your neighbors: “Look, I’m a guy who’s dumb enough to actually buy one of those bleeping aardvarks.”

Sure, you can cuddle your aardvark…if you don’t mind catching leprosy.

You can try to train your aardvark by tossing ants at it to catch with its snout. But it usually misses.

Aardvarks are stupid, clumsy creatures.

Frankly, there is no good reason why anyone would want to keep an aardvark in their home. You know it and I know it. So why are you reading this? And why am I writing it?

Because Jim Dean needs something for VT’s “Living” section.

Editing:  Jim W. Dean, Erica Wissinger

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The views expressed herein are the views of the author exclusively and not necessarily the views of VT, VT authors, affiliates, advertisers, sponsors, partners, technicians, or the Veterans Today Network and its assigns. LEGAL NOTICE - COMMENT POLICY

Posted by on December 16, 2013, With 18118 Reads Filed under Humor, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

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15 Responses to "Aardvarks make atrocious pets"

  1. Gary Walker  December 19, 2013 at 8:35 am

    I wonder what the intelligent designer was drinking when he came up with this creature?
    But then, who am I to question gawd.

    Amen,
    Infidel

  2. splitter  December 18, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    I prefer pets with higher nutritional value so my pick are fatty pigs – very lookalike to creature on top photo!

    Yummy! 😛

  3. guitargirl  December 17, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Hmmm, that name sounds pretty Dutch to me and it is, since y’all make light here, why not throw a little Dutch lesson in the mix, here it comes:

    – aard is short for aarde which is the ground or soil
    varken is a pig.

    That will do for the first lesson,

    Regina

    • Klaus1123  December 17, 2013 at 3:18 pm

      Hi Regina

      because it’s such an important matter, I have to tell you the truth about the aardvark. You were pretty close, but aardvark – I love it – is an Afrikaans (“Cape Dutch”) word for this beauty of a mammal.
      “aardvark” is a South African search engine, used by advanced aardvarks.

  4. Kevin Barrett  December 17, 2013 at 8:10 am

    It isn’t just the aardvarks who are after me. Abe Foxman just called and said my article uses “aardvarks” as code for you-know-who, just like David Icke uses shape-shifting blood-drinking human-flesh-devouring reptilian humanoids from outer space. http://www.theguardian.com/books/2001/mar/17/features.weekend

    • davidcoker  December 17, 2013 at 3:37 pm

      Mr. Barrett, if you please, what is your take on Alex Jones. Is he a Zionist Gate Keeper or is he shielding himself from being labeled an anti semite. My own experience was one of learning incredible things from Jones and based on what I learned I came to my own conclusions that it is the Luciferian Jews that control the world through the financial sector. The first time I heard Icke I knew immediately he could only be talking about the Luciferian Jews. Reality really is stranger than fiction once you get past all of the misdirection, propaganda, lies and damn lies.  Cicero writes, “The Jews belong to a dark and repulsive force. One knows how numerous this clique is, how they stick together and what power they exercise through their unions. They are a nation of … deceivers.”

      “Most Jews do not like to admit it, but our god is Lucifer.” – Harold Rosenthal, aide to Senator Jacob Javits – 1976

    • williammartin  December 18, 2013 at 6:49 am

      Doc. Barrett,
      I don’t find your or the articles on VT to extreme on any subject. While yes its true that our government has been infiltrated by the enemy who “Believes their Blood is worth more then the Blood of American’s” that is just a granted observation that most know is 101% True.

      What I personally like is the measure of “Faith Based” views from all Editors as that is to most a goal that all have is to impart what that believe is “Right” and what their creator i.e. God wants for mankind and that being able to live in peace and not living with the threat of continued wars that take our friends and loved ones. For reasons that are in 9/10th if the time political or material and could be worked out “IF” someone didn’t want to show their penis was bigger.

      Example: Why doesn’t China and Japan enter into a mutual agreement to mine/drill off those Islands which would benefit all? Had it not been for the US Dollar the US wouldn’t have a dog in that fight as Japan is a Allie and the Petro-Dollar would benefit the US. But not if drilled and sold under China’s overtaking of the US dollar due to decades of illegal wars and deceit.

      I’m waiting for the Saudi’s to pull the ace from their sleeve and switch sales of their oil’s into the Chinese currency. This as Saudi’s siding with Israel have been open about their not liking Peace and the Iranian non-nuclear issue that they (Israel) has claimed for 30 years was there.

      What the WORLD needs is to redefine what “PREEMPTIVE” IS?

  5. dcstreettechnology  December 17, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Mr. Barrett I’m a lawyer for the A.A.D League. I work for Abe Aardvarkman [ cousin of Abe Foxman ]you can see were releated………….. it’s the shape of our noses; and yes you have been put on the A.A.D list. If you send us lot’s of ants in white envelopes in small denominations we will take you off the list!

  6. stephanaugust  December 17, 2013 at 6:07 am

    “… even though hardly anyone reads it.”

    WRONG!

    I will tell Jim that he must kick you all to show up in the photos too.

    • Kevin Barrett  December 17, 2013 at 6:15 am

      Glad you caught that one, Stephanaugust! Can you spot the other 47 statements in this article that are not entirely true?

    • stephanaugust  December 17, 2013 at 7:10 am

      Yes, and I notified the Aardvark Defamation League.

    • Jim W. Dean  December 17, 2013 at 6:47 am

      Ah yes, we are having a little fun. Now back to the Ukraine vs the EU and America who disagrees with their democratically elected government, which if it cheated some is do different from how everyone else cheats as much as they can.

  7. franktalk  December 16, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    Hilarious . . . yet insightful and surely timely. We just had a nice rain a couple days ago and were invaded by a nest of ants living out at the front porch garden. My wife thought and mentioned an aardvark would have been helpful pet in clearing up the mess.

  8. Kevin Barrett  December 16, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    I’m going to keep laughing at aardvarks until the Anti-Aardvark-Defamation League complains.

    • sweetliberty  December 16, 2013 at 11:34 pm

      Tap-tap-tap… “er, Mr Barrett? Would you come with us please- and wipe that smile off your face. We’re from the Anti- Aar….”

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