Santa Drinks Reindeer Piss!

And other delicious Christmas tidbits

reindeerBy Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor

 
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to all you VT readers out there, whatever your race, religion, ethnicity, political persuasion, gastronomic predilection, and/or holiday merriment preference.

Me, I’m Muslim, so you might think I celebrate Christmas by pulling a black ski mask over my head, grabbing a sword, and staying up all night next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve so I can whack off Santa’s head when he’s crawling out of the chimney. (I’ll bet Rita Kaatz would pay serious shekels for THAT video.) But no – I’m a “good Muslim,” so I’m just hanging out with my family listening to Qur’an. Jingle Bells it ain’t – but it does include a beautiful passage about the immaculate conception and birth of Jesus, peace upon him.

Wallahi, folks, I like Christmas just fine. There’s something psychedelic about all those lights and ornaments. It’s like being inside one of the great cathedrals of Europe and staring transfixed as sunlight shatters the stained glass windows into a million jeweled shards of color and you suddenly realize Aldous Huxley must have risen from the dead and slipped LSD into your communion wafer.

By now I’m sure you’re wondering “but what about the reindeer piss?” Don’t worry, I was coming to that.

My dear e-friend Ron Rattner, a staunch 9/11 truth supporter who moonlights as a spiritually-advanced wise-guy,  reminds me of the origins of the Santa Claus legend in the Scandinavian shamanic tradition’s use of the Amanita Muscaria mushroom. Shamans the world over “fly through the air” during their shamanic journeys through the alam al-akhar (the other world) otherwise known as the alam al-ghayb (the hidden world).

Obligatory Islamic disclaimer: The world’s greatest-ever shamanic journey, the mir’aj of the Prophet Muhammad (peace upon him) from Mecca to the Rock in Jerusalem, and then upward through the seven heavens into the Divine Presence, appears to have been accomplished without the use of mushrooms, cactus, vine, or anything of that nature.

But shamans do sometimes use these substances, which they regard as God-given gifts. Shamans from the northern rim of Eurasia are especially partial to the Amanita Muscaria mushroom. So are reindeer for that matter.

Ron Rattner explains how the whole business of Santa and his flying reindeer REALLY got started:

The shamans lived in yurts, tepee-like shelters made of reindeer skin, with roofs supported by birch poles and smoke-holes at the top. During midwinter festivals of renewal, the shamans gathered the mushrooms from under sacred trees. While harvesting the toadstools, they would wear special attire, consisting of red and white fur-trimmed coats and long black boots, very much like the modern day depiction of Santa Claus. They’d then enter their yurts through the smoke-holes, carrying sacks full of dried fly agaric mushrooms, descending the birch pole to the floor. Once inside, the shamans performed ceremonies and shared the toadstool’s psychotropic gifts with those gathered inside. Then they left as they entered, climbing up the pole and back through the smoke-hole.

Ho ho ho! Now that sounds like a very merry Christmas indeed! These people obviously didn’t need egg nog.

But it gets better. Let’s cut to the chase, pull back the curtain, and reveal the secret of Santa drinking reindeer piss:

The Sami have a custom of feeding fly agaric (Amanita Muscaria) to their deer and collecting the urine to drink. The reindeer’s digestive system metabolizes the allegedly poisonous components of the toadstool, leaving urine with the hallucinogenic and psychotropic elements of the fungus intact. Drinking the urine gives a ‘high’ similar to taking LSD. Under the hallucinatory effects of the drink, the Sami thought their reindeer were flying through space, looking down on the world. The reindeer so crave the toadstool hallucinogens that they have been known to eat snow on which intoxicated humans have urinated, creating a reciprocating cycle.

Apparently, when the first Christian missionaries reached Lapland and heard stories of such reindeer flight, they integrated those tales into Western folklore concerning Saint Nicholas. So, the association of reindeer with Christmas was well established for centuries before the 1843 publication of the The Night Before Christmas poem, and the 1949 hit song, ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ popularized it with masses of people.

Whether or not Ron’s theory is correct, you must admit that whoever first came up with the image of a flying reindeer with a bright red flashing neon nose must have been drinking or smoking SOMETHING. If anybody has a bootleg Jimi Hendrix performance of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, please let me know, as it would support this interpretation.

Wow! Nice Christmas ornaments!

Wow! Nice Christmas ornaments!

Unfortunately, as I write this on Christmas Eve, I know whatever you infidels out there are quaffing is probably a lot nastier than reindeer piss. But don’t worry, I won’t crawl down your chimneys and cut off your heads. Instead, I will blow those heads into a billion colorful little pieces.

And to all a good night.

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Posted by on December 24, 2014, With 7738 Reads Filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

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12 Responses to "Santa Drinks Reindeer Piss!"

  1. Not Clueless  January 1, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    I actually came across the info re the magic mushrooms/flying reindeer some time ago. From what I remember, the mushrooms were collected and put upon pine trees to dry and then later delivered to the yurts – which being almost completely buried by snow, had to be entered from the top. The mushrooms were deposited in stockings hung by the fire – still in need of more drying? The reindeer apparently just came across them in the wild and ate them and apparently liking their effect, would seek them out. And thus, decorating pine trees/Santa coming down chimney to fill stockings/flying reindeer all sprung from this. There was also the winter solstice connection. And if you do a little research, you will see pictures of antique Xmas cards and Xmas ornaments clearly featuring the magic mushrooms & usually elves as well! Yeah, those pointy red hats represent more than meets the eye, too.

    There was, however, no mention whatsoever of any “magic” urine – thank goodness! Sure, Santa is a myth, but for most of us, a very beloved myth that provided wonder, magic, and excitement while still enjoying the essence of childhood innocence. I’d just as soon nobody “pees” on it – ha!

    Happy New Year to all!

  2. Ann  January 1, 2015 at 1:05 pm

    This is not a really a matter of the article being offensive, it is off-putting because it is vulgar. Furthermore humor requires an element of wit, and this witless piece is decidedly unfunny. It went over like a lead balloon. Narcotics are not funny, decapitations are not funny, and a pseudo intellectual attempt at cultural anthropology is risible. Christmas is not your thing and that’s fine. But dragging it through sludge and then reacting to bad reviews by implying that the reader does not understand your sophisticated humor is sour.

  3. Chandler  December 30, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    My 13 year old son read this, and said he was not going to read VT again. I said, consider the author and get over it. I don’t even understand where a column like this originates, but they do, and so much for decent standards in journalism.
    I may have missed the point but I hold VT to a higher level than this waste of time article. I live among a group of muslims, and I must say our neighborhood has gone to hell in a handbasket. Not all are bad people, but their mannerisms, and cultural malarkey belongs back where they came from. Many low level black people cannot make it in an organized society, which is why so many rob, steal, rape, defy, and defy all common sense and logic when it comes to their freedoms God gave to them. Many others are decent human beings who tell they are mortified over how their own people act. Downtrodden from all races have problems taking care of themselves, and churches do very little outside the confinements of the actual building. But Santa drank reindeer piss is a little much. So to many readers who have been scolded for posting remarks not liked by VT, this author should come under some scrutiny. I am sure VT will not like my response and so be it. Hypocrisy of standards may not set well with many, and they need to be stated here. This is a waste of time. What is the purpose of this article?

    • Ann  December 30, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      Chandler, please don’t let something like this upset your son at Christmas. Santa is a much loved and highly adaptable character who shows up in the most surprising places for a laugh, to promote a cause, or star in a movie. The instances are endless, and are not confined to Western and or Christian interpretations.

      I don’t really understand this article either, not the comparison between stained glass windows and LSD, neither artistically nor morally. Rattner’s version is off mark in a number of ways. The flying reindeer were first described in a 19th century poem, and stories of St. Nicholas were Eastern before Western, hence the widespread popularity of his name in the Orthodox world. But Rattner chose to incorporate hallucinogenics into the story, so that’s just his interpretation.

      Even the dour ACLU has not yet figured out a way to banish Santa as they have other images of Christmas. Maybe they gave him a pass because they have not yet established what or who he is, because he is so many things to so many people, and crosses so many cultural and religions lines. And then he’s gone, just like in the poem. But not really. See?

      He means different things to different people, but we all must keep in mind that Christmas centers around a Child and therefor around all children by extension. For a brief week or two during the year it harkens us back to the past, and brings out the best in most of us, in the smallest and most personal ways.

      Merry Christmas.

    • Chandler  December 31, 2014 at 6:34 am

      Ann: I understand, but I think highly of VT and I think this is beneath them. My son reads a lot of articles on here and sees the pictures of blown apart children that makes the Bush family so gleeful, and sends Dick Cheney chills. My son is learning this world and understands there are people out there meaning to do harm in a vicious way. But he was not happy about this article for, like you, what does it mean? Why write it since there is plenty to write about. He asked me about the Jews, Zionists and so forth, and is getting an education here at VT. He did not , like me, like this article at all and found it in poor taste. Still an education. Like I don’t respond to Dean’s articles, I won’t now Barrett’s. I no longer feel welcomed here at VT but read it for the great work they do. Certain authors have a tendency to thumb their nose at their readers in a way in a way that chases people off. The privilege to comment is valued by me and others, and VT could show a little more appreciation for we little people out here supporting them. But his column is the bottom of the barrel to me. Read on, Stay the course and thanks!!

    • Kevin Barrett  December 31, 2014 at 7:36 am

      Everybody’s going to find something to be offended about at VT. I’m offended by the insanely racist stuff certain editors have published about police shooting down black people, and the even more insanely bigoted anti-Islam garbage from a certain Egyptian fascist who occasionally publishes here. Being offended is the price of free speech.

      If you read a couple of paragraphs of a piece labeled “humor” and you don’t see what’s funny, you can either (1) try to stretch your mind and your sense of humor, or (2) stop reading. Nobody’s forcing you to read every single VT article to the end.

  4. Buck  December 26, 2014 at 8:16 am

    What’s next? An expose about Frosty the snowman’s Peruvian marching powder problem?

  5. jake gittes  December 25, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    “Dr” Wayne Carver, at the press conference on the shaman midwinter festival…

    “It wasn’t a yurt. It was this huge, magnificent THING!”

  6. logansquare  December 25, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    the sami shamans can’t drink reindeer piss anymore because chernobyl has made the reindeer radioactive. (seriously).

  7. Ann  December 25, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Merry Christmas.

    Santa Claus started out as Bishop Nicholas of Myra, Turkey in Byzantine times, where he was known for generosity and secret gift giving. For many centuries he was very familiar in the Eastern world. The current name is a derivation of the Dutch “Sinter Klass/Saint Claus,” and the English referred to him as Father Christmas,” usually depicted as walking at night on Christmas Eve carrying a bag of goods to be distributed.

    His description in the poem “The Night Before Christmas” has remained with us, and his previous depictions with one sleigh and reindeer which earlier only made sporadic appearances, earned a new role as airborne with a team of reindeer. His much loved image evolves to this day, interpreted by various cultures and populations to suit their own interpretations. The Coca Cola company takes the credit for putting him in the first advertisement. Since then, he and his reindeer have been the subjects of movies, books, songs, poems, clothing, decor, and so one. The image belongs to everyone now.

  8. jake gittes  December 25, 2014 at 7:53 am

    Now that’s my kind of Christmas. I’m guessing the Sami also have a tradition of cranking the Allman Brothers in their yurts and sleighs.

  9. Martin Maloney  December 24, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    “…but it does include a beautiful passage about the immaculate conception and birth of Jesus, peace upon him.”

    The Immaculate Conception is of Mary, not of Jesus; that Mary was conceived without Original Sin.

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