DHS: “America is now under Wal-Martial law”

"Why go home? We've got everything you need"

By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor

Shoppers unable to provide their own transportation will be evacuated to Wal-Mart in our special courtesy black helicopters

Shoppers unable to provide their own transportation will be evacuated to Wal-Mart in our special courtesy black helicopters

It’s official: The Department of Homeland Security has announced that starting today, the Constitution of the United States of America has been suspended and replaced by Wal-Martial law.

“Citizens – I mean, shoppers – must immediately report to their nearest Wal-Mart re-education centers,” intoned DHS chief Jeh Johnson in a special announcement on the Emergency Broadcast System. Johnson’s declaration of Wal-Martial law was simultaneously played over the PA systems in all 11,488 Wal-Mart stores in America, as well as all 4,540 Sams Club outlets.

The surprise announcement was triggered by President Obama’s statement at yesterday’s press conference that he not only a member of ISIS, but has been selected to replace Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi as the new ISIS caliph. Al-Baghdadi, who passed away Wednesday in Shabtai Zvi Memorial Hospital in Tel Aviv, reportedly named Obama as his successor.

In his surprise announcement accepting his appointment as Caliph, President Obama stated that Americans will soon face mass beheadings by ISIS units crossing the Mexican border disguised as US soldiers participating in Jade Helm exercises. Beginning this weekend, Obama said, any American caught outside the confines of a Wal-Mart will be summarily beheaded on sight. He added that the beheading videos will be sent to the notorious Muslim extremist Rita Kaatz of the pro-jihadi SITE Intelligence Group. So if you don’t want Rita showing the whole world images of your head rolling from your shoulders, Obama explained, it is imperative that you report to your local Wal-Mart consumer re-education camp immediately.

DHS Chief Johnson, asked by reporters “Why Wal-Mart?” explained that the gigantic shopping complexes are already equipped with everything Americans need to support the lifestyle to which they have grown accustomed. “There’s plenty of food, TVs to watch, even a pharmacy in case you catch cold or need some extra vitamins,” Johnson explained. “We figure that after a few days, life inside Wal-Mart will so closely resemble what people are used to that they’ll hardly notice the difference.”

The Wal-Mart re-education camps will be virtually identical to current Wal-Marts, except that the shoppers will never leave. Besides the barbed wire around the parking lot and the removal of guns and ammo from the Sporting Goods section, the only other major change will be the redecorated toy departments, which will be stocked with millions of talking Alex Jones dolls complete with miniature bullhorns. The Alex Jones toys will continually bark out frightening pronouncements designed to induce confusion and paralysis. “The really hard-core dissidents will be sent to the toy departments and forced to listen to the talking Alex Jones dolls for hours or even days on end,” Johnson explained. “We figure that after a few days of involuntary exposure to Alex’s incessant yapping, even the most intransigent revolutionaries will turn to quivering blobs of jelly.”

Former President Bush – who earlier this week said Obama was “soft on terror” and “too cowardly to murder thousands of Americans in a big false flag attack like Dick and I did” – praised Obama’s decision to name himself Caliph, and urged Americans to obey the President and his DHS chief by getting into their cars and driving to Wal-Mart RIGHT NOW. “Hurry, there’s not a moment to lose,” Bush said on Fox News. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The best way to respond to a massive terror threat is, go shopping.”



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Posted by on May 1, 2015, With 9656 Reads Filed under Humor, Of Interest. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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5 Responses to "DHS: “America is now under Wal-Martial law”"

  1. vetstodayfan  May 2, 2015 at 7:51 pm

    Ha ha, this was a funny article. I’m not usually a big fan of Kevin’s but this is funny and I actually sent a link to this article to a few folks. The Alex Jones doll concept is truly comical. Good work, Kevin! Great satire.

  2. CoJonesGrandes  May 2, 2015 at 7:49 am

    I tell you what’s going on. We are very close to The Event. Once my co-workers crack this last nut, we’ll be there. It’s so close I can almost taste it. Once the deed is done, we’ll usher in the Golden Age for mankind – abundance for all, free energy, open contact with our ET families etc. We are so close, so very close. Just remember that it cost some of us very, very dearly to deliver this – some have had to endure terrible torture to get us to Ascension. When you meet them, show some appreciation. It’s the least you can do. Christ! If some of us had known what this liberation entailed, we would not have participated but run off screeching our heads off. LOL!

  3. brubank-guy  May 1, 2015 at 12:56 pm

    Above Dr Barrett wrote: « … Al-Baghdadi, who passed away Wednesday in Shabtai Zvi Memorial Hospital in Tel Aviv … »

    Ha! Saw what you did there, Kevin! Ha! I’ve been laughing for several minutes over that one …

    For VT readers to get the joke – Devious libertine Shabbatai Zvi (many spellings) from 1600s in Turkey, was unique among many Jewish ‘False Messiahs’ of history, credited with founding Sabbatean / Frankist (secretly inverse) Judaism, leading directly to Jacob Frank & the Rothschilds, & today’s major Israeli & Jewish leadership. See Barry Chamish citing Marvin Antelman for the story.

  4. JS  May 1, 2015 at 10:32 am

    Maybe this is aimed at just the clandestine community, but it IS on the Internet for anyone to read. I think the article is sadly going to misunderstood, and will bite you. I spent 27 years doing emergency communications, public service, and I know if it can possibly be misunderstood, it will be. People will quote this as gospel. I would be surprised if the Secret Service finds this amusing.

    • Kevin Barrett  May 1, 2015 at 11:02 am

      I agree, lots of people will believe every word. I expect Alex Jones to quote it as gospel on his show today.

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