Texas biker shooting blamed on “Hell’s ISIS”

Jihadi motorcycle gangs invade Texas in Jade Helm conspiracy

By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor

Hell's ISIS members in the Twin Peaks restaurant parking lot

Hell’s ISIS members in the Twin Peaks restaurant parking lot

Sources close to SITE intelligence group have revealed that the recent biker shoot-out at Twin Peaks restaurant in Waco, Texas was instigated by “Hell’s ISIS” – a radical Muslim motorcycle gang planning to invade Texas as part of the Jade Helm conspiracy

Fox News terror analyst Steve Emerson explained that the Texas biker shoot-out obviously was linked to the ISIS legions preparing to invade Texas from Mexico. “It’s hardly a coincidence that just at the moment when Texas is panicking over a feared ISIS invasion, this senseless act of horrific violence should occur,” Emerson said. “Since we all know that senseless acts of horrific violence are somehow the fault of Muslims, this biker-shootout at a Texas restaurant can only be the product of an ISIS conspiracy to invade and occupy Texas.”

“They’re massed on the Mexican border – thousands and thousands of Harley-loving fundamentalist Muslims with one hand on the throttle and the other waving a sword,” explained SITE director Rita Kaatz. “They’re revving up their engines and ready to cross the Rio Grande and create ISTO – the Islamic State in Texas and Oklahoma.”

“They’re head-choppers on choppers!” chimed in radio host Alex Jones. “They’re coming to cut off your head, rip out your liver and lock you up in Wal-Mart!”

Kaatz provided news outlets with film footage purporting to show motorcycle gangs riding in formation while flying the black flag of ISIS. Skeptics argued that Kaatz’s video is just segments from the 1953 film The Wild Ones with black ski masks and ISIS flags photoshopped in.

But many Texans are panicking over SITE’s images of thousands of black-clad bikers in ninja masks, roaring across the Texas plains at well over the speed limit, black ISIS flags fluttering in the breeze, their deafening chorus of muffler-free Harleys emitting a thunderous roar hinting darkly at the imminent vengeance of Allah.

“Not since the Texas chainsaw massacre has the Lone Star state witnessed mythic mayhem of this caliber,” said Texas governor Greg Abbott. “I hereby order the National Guard of the State of Texas to monitor these head-chopping, liver-licking jihadi bikers in order to ensure that our Constitutional rights, including the right to keep our heads attached to our shoulders by way of our necks, and our right to keep our livers tucked into our bellies where they belong, shall not be infringed.”

At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Ash Carter denied that Hells ISIS was part of the Jade Helm conspiracy to deprive Americans of what’s left of their Constitutional rights. Carter also denied that the jihadi motorcycle gang was working with President Obama to establish an Islamic Emirate consisting of most of the current states of Texas and Oklahoma.

“Actually, Obama only wants about three-fifths of the combined territory of Texas and Oklahoma for his Islamic emirate,” Carter explained. “So Texans can quit worrying and go back to shopping, barbecueing, eating spicy chili, experiencing paranoid hallucinations, and whatever else they do down there.”

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Posted by on May 19, 2015, With 8425 Reads Filed under Humor, Of Interest. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

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8 Responses to "Texas biker shooting blamed on “Hell’s ISIS”"

  1. Chandler  May 20, 2015 at 11:22 am

    Twin Peaks was advised not to let this take place by authorities. If they were than worried, law enforcement authorities could’ve posted undercover officers in the restaurant. I think they allowed this to take place so they could use it in their quest to support abolishment of weapons.
    In all societies, religious sects, organizations, governments, nations, etc;’ there is a lunatic fringe that exists. Using the actions and behaviors of any of the lunatic-fringe minority against the law-abiding citizenry as reasons to attack and alter constitutional rights is exactly what they do and how idiots govern.
    This incident proved any and all citizens need to be armed everywhere they go. These motorcycle lunatics proved We the People.. should be armed everywhere without question. All we need are training classes but no registration requirements. Concealed carry would’ve lessened the damage and loss of lives. What a bunch of idiots! Prison time for all.

  2. Altimometer  May 19, 2015 at 11:08 pm

    Good one Dr. Barrett, crazy funny piece!

  3. Worker Bee  May 19, 2015 at 9:36 pm

    The 1%MC club news sites are claiming it was just a minor scuffle in the Twin Peaks parking lot, with no guns involved until the police opened fire.

  4. moneytalks  May 19, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    Eight killed in one parking lot is a Boy Scout job . Eighteen thousand were killed with one bomb in Hiroshima .

  5. ayelyahbenjamin  May 19, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    thanks for a much needed belly laugh. I’m sure you are already all over this incoming … Khazarian Mafia US District Judge Mitchell Goldberg pushing this one through for the boys http://sputniknews.com/us/20150327/1020107966.html

  6. Judgedredd  May 19, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    I wouldn’t put it past faux news “special commentators ” to spin this, to bad you scooped them Dr Barrett. LoL

  7. Detlef Reimers  May 19, 2015 at 9:04 am

    Kevin, what are the real number of people working for the CIA?

    • Kevin Barrett  May 19, 2015 at 12:27 pm

      Counting ISIS and al-CIA-duh?

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