It’s official: The Department of Homeland Security has announced that starting today, the Constitution of the United States of America has been suspended and replaced by Wal-Martial law.
“Citizens – I mean, shoppers – must immediately report to their nearest Wal-Mart re-education centers,” intoned DHS chief Jeh Johnson in a special announcement on the Emergency Broadcast System. Johnson’s declaration of Wal-Martial law was simultaneously played over the PA systems in all 11,488 Wal-Mart stores in America, as well as all 4,540 Sams Club outlets.
The surprise announcement was triggered by President Obama’s statement at yesterday’s press conference that he not only a member of ISIS, but has been selected to replace Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi as the new ISIS caliph. Al-Baghdadi, who passed away Wednesday in Shabtai Zvi Memorial Hospital in Tel Aviv, reportedly named Obama as his successor.
In his surprise announcement accepting his appointment as Caliph, President Obama stated that Americans will soon face mass beheadings by ISIS units crossing the Mexican border disguised as US soldiers participating in Jade Helm exercises. Beginning this weekend, Obama said, any American caught outside the confines of a Wal-Mart will be summarily beheaded on sight. He added that the beheading videos will be sent to the notorious Muslim extremist Rita Kaatz of the pro-jihadi SITE Intelligence Group. So if you don’t want Rita showing the whole world images of your head rolling from your shoulders, Obama explained, it is imperative that you report to your local Wal-Mart consumer re-education camp immediately.
DHS Chief Johnson, asked by reporters “Why Wal-Mart?” explained that the gigantic shopping complexes are already equipped with everything Americans need to support the lifestyle to which they have grown accustomed. “There’s plenty of food, TVs to watch, even a pharmacy in case you catch cold or need some extra vitamins,” Johnson explained. “We figure that after a few days, life inside Wal-Mart will so closely resemble what people are used to that they’ll hardly notice the difference.”
The Wal-Mart re-education camps will be virtually identical to current Wal-Marts, except that the shoppers will never leave. Besides the barbed wire around the parking lot and the removal of guns and ammo from the Sporting Goods section, the only other major change will be the redecorated toy departments, which will be stocked with millions of talking Alex Jones dolls complete with miniature bullhorns. The Alex Jones toys will continually bark out frightening pronouncements designed to induce confusion and paralysis. “The really hard-core dissidents will be sent to the toy departments and forced to listen to the talking Alex Jones dolls for hours or even days on end,” Johnson explained. “We figure that after a few days of involuntary exposure to Alex’s incessant yapping, even the most intransigent revolutionaries will turn to quivering blobs of jelly.”
Former President Bush – who earlier this week said Obama was “soft on terror” and “too cowardly to murder thousands of Americans in a big false flag attack like Dick and I did” – praised Obama’s decision to name himself Caliph, and urged Americans to obey the President and his DHS chief by getting into their cars and driving to Wal-Mart RIGHT NOW. “Hurry, there’s not a moment to lose,” Bush said on Fox News. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The best way to respond to a massive terror threat is, go shopping.”