Hello America, this is Homer T Suggins, your host for this evenings news and we want to start the program with a
major, major news story. As our viewers know, only the cream of the crop of college football teams make it into a bowl game, and we have the results of a very exciting “battle” that took place between the SKUNKS of Stinking City University and the Mud Hollow State University MEERKATS.
As Morton Peabody, a former college football player and famous sportscaster once said: “Football is just like war and just as grueling, a fight to the death with no winners, just survivors!” This game was “fought in the trenches” between the Skunks, 1 and 9, and the Meerkats, 2 and 8, two power house teams in their respective college conferences. The Skunks pulled out the game in the last seconds with a 55-yard “bomb” and came away with the COWPIE TROPHY awarded to the winner of the BOVINE SCATOLOGY BOWL. Final score, SKUNKS 6, MEERKATS 3.
There was talk the Skunks would “blow away” the Meercats, but the team from Mud Hollow State University stopped the SKUNKS numerous times in their “red zone.” Time after time, the Meercats had to “dig in” on their goal line as they kept on facing a “frontal assault” by the Skunks. Led by their “gun-slinging,” “field general” quarterback, Qumar Quick and their “supersonic” running back from the plains of the mid-west, Finnegan Yoder, four times the Skunks failed to cross the “line of death.” Why the Skunks did not bring in their “secret weapon,” soccer kicker, Otto Weir to try for field goals instead of touchdowns, remained a mystery until the news conference at the end of the game. When Weir was helped off the field in the first quarter after being knocked down, he had broken his kicking foot. This “top-secret” information kept from the opposing team and television viewers at home, could only be revealed after this “battle” was over between the “warriors” of both teams. When Skunks coach, Maximo Zadornin told the reporters and those in the audience of Weir’s injury, a loud gasp could be heard and some in attendance began to cry.
The MEERKATS coach, Tuhin Jones, better known to football fans by his nickname, the “ASSASIN,” for the way his offenses have used vicious “aerial assaults” and “ground attacks” to “shock and awe” their “enemy,” was deeply disappointed with his team’s loss. We tried and tried to “launch” different “attack formations” numerous times and “march” down the field and “breach” our opponents defense but our “mission” failed. Thorndike Upton, the quarterback for the MEERKATS, although feeling dejected and taking full responsibility for the team’s dastardly performance when asked for a quote said: “We lost, life is not fair and I will carry this memory with me for the rest of my life.”
Honoring the United States Military before the game, service members representing the five branches of America’s military were each given an official, BOVINE SCATOLOGY BOWL commemorative coin. The COUNCIL for the REMOVAL of ALTERED and PHONY grades from athlete’s transcripts, better known as CRAP and sponsor’s of today’s game, will send an invoice to the government for the cost of today’s ceremony honoring our military.
In other news, 10 Americans were killed in DONTGIVEADAMNASTAN, three of these soldiers were on their 12 deployments.
This article is a satirical piece based on military metaphors used, or once used in football, college and professional. My intent is also to show how college football bowl games, once played with only the best teams playing at the end of the regular college football season, now has b From nine major bowl games at the end of the 1967 college football season and eight minor bowl games for that same year, for 2015/2016, there were 40 college football bowl games with eight more bowl games proposed for 2016/2017. We know the reason for adding so many more bowl games, MONEY for these colleges and universities which has made the bowl games at the end of the football season a JOKE! Some broadcasters, local and national still use some of this military terminology when talking about two teams playing a game, a sporting event whose outcome will have no affect other than to put money into the coffers of America’s universities and colleges. It is my humble opinion, any military jargon referenced during a simple sporting event between two teams in an insult to our American Fighting Forces which protect our freedoms and liberty in our great Nation. My intent is also to show the disinterest in our country for Americans fighting and dying around the world since 9/11. I detest the news networks when they give more air time to a dead celebrity or athlete than to an American that gave his/her life for the rest of us.
All characters appearing in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.