In a surprise announcement Friday, the Anti-Defecation League has unilaterally abolished the holiday formerly known as Memorial Day. According to the ADL proclamation, expected to be ratified by Congress in a special emergency session this weekend, the last Monday of May will henceforth be known as Holocaust Memorial Day.
Abe Fuxman, Fuhrer Emeritus of the ADL, explained:
The only dead people worth remembering are those who died in the incomparable big-H Holocaust. It is an insult to Holocaust victims to remember anyone else who died for any other reason.”
Fuxman urged Congress to add amendments to the Holocaust Memorial Day Bill apologizing to the Holy Jewish State of Israel for spending all those years remembering dead American soldiers on Memorial Day. He added that the US is expected to pay Israel billions of dollars in reparations and trademark infringement penalties.
Fuxman said he hoped Americans will stop having barbecues and picnics, and instead celebrate the last Monday in May by visiting their local Holocaust Museum: “Since there are more than fifty Holocaust Memorials and Museums in the United States, it would be anti-Semitic to spend the last Monday in May having a good time in your backyard.”
Survivors of the hundreds of thousands of Americans who have died in Middle Eastern wars since 1990 or as a result of toxic exposures in those wars are expected to raise mild objections.
Fuxman responded: “What’s the point of remembering all those dead goys who lost their lives in service to Israeli expansionism? Sure, they’re part of the big blood sacrifice to the state of Israel. But they’re a trivial, inconsequential part. The only dead people worth remembering are the six million Jews, not one Jew less, killed in gas chambers whose existence must never be questioned. That is the one absolute metaphysical truth of the modern world.”
Fuxman also said that plans to turn the Fourth of July into a celebration of Israeli rather than American independence – and to make Christmas a vilification rather than celebration of Jesus, and Easter a celebration of the crucifixion rather than the resurrection – were expected to be implemented sometime during the next decade.