The DVD decided after all not to assassinate me on my visit to Germany, which was jolly decent of them. Being assassinated would have been a nuisance. Things are happening so fast in Britain I’ve twice had to tear up this column and start again since the disastrous Chequers Summit on Friday, which put the skids under Theresa May’s government. It was the worst plan since Munich, a “turd” in former Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson’s memorable phrase. (The new Foreign Secretary, BTW, is Jeremy Hunt – no, we’ve hardly heard of him either.)
Theresa May loves playing her cards close to her chest, no offense intended. A Remoaner, she never accepted the referendum result, wanting to stay as close as possible to the single market and inside the EU’s customs union. Anti-American, she desperately wants to avoid an Anglo-American free trade deal, one reason she has been so rude to your nice President, whom we are all looking forward to seeing on Friday, a few left-wing nutters excepted.
After pretending for over two years to accept the 2016 result (“Brexit means Brexit” and similar drivel) Mrs May’s pro-European views were finally exposed last Friday at Chequers, the Prime Minister’s country retreat near Princes Risborough in Buckinghamshire. (There’s quite a nice curry house nearby, which David Cameron used to favor.)
Heywood can be been to the Prime Minister’s right in the photos released to the press. He’s the character with the cheap suit and the maniacal grin, no offense intended.
The flaws in the Heywood-May surrender plan have been laid bare by my learned friend Martin Howe QC, on behalf of Lawyers For Britain, a group of nice, patriotic lawyers: http://lawyersforbritain.org/the-chequers-cabinet-conclusions-an-assessment.
The Chequers Plan
Theresa May’s cunning plan was to surrender to Brussels but still call it Brexit. Desperate to help German exporters and lose British jobs by staying in the Customs Union, she and the Cabinet Office cobbled together an unworkable arrangement which would leave us in the Customs Union in all but name. The goods deficit with the EU is likely to be of the order of £100 billion this year. The Jerries in particular are desperate not to see tariff walls go up.
On immigration the plan was to quietly surrender to Brussels but not call it free movement. With the southern and eastern European economies in particular slowed down by euro membership, the ability to dump surplus EU labour on the British economy is vital for the boys across the water. It is doubtful how much would change under the Chequers Plan.
The plan would see the UK taking rules from the EU in relation to goods for the foreseeable future. Effectively it would reduce us to the status of a colony. Silly (i.e. metric) measurements would stay, along with VAT.
‘Appeaser Theresa’ and Sir Jeremy ‘von’ Heywood clearly plan to take the UK back into the EU as soon as political conditions permit. Under the Chequers Plan we would be in the EU in all but name.
The political backlash
The backlash wasn’t long in coming. Brexit Secretary David Davis resigned on Sunday evening, no doubt having first made sure that Tory rebels had enough signatures to force May’s resignation. Boris went not long after. His resignation letter was effectively a declaration of war.
To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, like myself a former denizen of C Wing at Wandsworth Prison, to lose one Cabinet Minister over the course of a weekend might be considered a misfortune. To lose two starts to look like carelessness.
I can’t see May lasting for more than a few weeks. She will stay on as caretaker, but the party will be anxious to have her successor in place by the Party Conference in October. She is the eighth Tory Prime Minister in a row to have had her premiership wrecked, directly, or indirectly, by Europe, the late, great Anthony Eden MC (the Earl of Avon) having been the first.
Macmillan went after his application to join the EEC was vetoed, and rightly so, by Charles de Gaulle. That nice man Sir Alec Douglas-Home’s government was destabilised by Germany’s GO2 (remember the Great Train Robbery and the Profumo Scandal?) in order to get Germany’s Harold Wilson into Number 10. (Of course GO2 first had to assassinate Labour leader Hugh Gaitskell, who, unlike Wilson, had backed the Allied cause in World War II). Oddly enough Theresa May is more of an appeaser than Alec, who was actually at Munich, ever was. (Alec and Hitler really didn’t get along, although he found Mussolini more agreeable.)
The notorious German agent Sir Edward ‘von’ Heath paid the price for dragging us into the EEC, the most disastrous decision in British political history, forcing us into national bankruptcy – within three years of joining we had to crawl on hands and knees to the IMF for a bailout.
The Germans tried three times to depose Ted’s successor as Tory leader, that nice lady Margaret Thatcher, causing a war (the Falklands War) in the process. They tried to murder her in 1984 at Brighton, using their Irish stooges, the IRA.
As history records, the Germans got lucky third time round, paving the way for the disastrous Maastricht Treaty, which shattered Europe’s uneasy peace and triggered a series of wars in the Balkans. John Major’s ramming through of Maastricht without a referendum split the Tory Party in a way which hadn’t been done since the Corn Laws.
Major crashed to defeat at the hands of Tony Blair in 1997, after yet another leader of the Labour Party (that nice man John Smith) had been assassinated. John was a strong supporter of EU membership but thought that joining the euro was a political impossibility after Black Wednesday, when Britain broke free of the Exchange Rate Mechanism. (The ERM was of course supported by many of the same idiots claiming that single market membership is in the UK’s economic interest, which it isn’t.)
The next Tory Prime Minister to go over Europe was the hapless David Cameron. He couldn’t even lose the 2015 General Election, the idiot, no offense intended. As many readers will know Cameron’s plan was to continue the coalition government with the pro-EU Lib Dems, the party formed after GO2 and the DVD split the Labour Party over Europe in the early 1980s, promoting the formation of the absurd Social Democratic Party. The SDP was modeled on Franz von Papen’s Zentrum, which propeled the Nazis into power.
Without the Lib Dems in government Cameron was stuck with a manifesto commitment to hold a referendum on EU membership. The Bad Guys had hoped to blackmail a key Leave politician into supporting Remain but reckoned without yours truly. I ensured that the politician in question was armed with high-grade intelligence on a series of bungs paid out of Tokyo to senior pro-EU politicians and Cabinet Office officials in the hope of blocking the referendum.
All y’all know what happened: Cameron tried to renegotiate the terms of our EU membership, was rebuffed and like Harold Wilson in 1975 was unable to sell the resulting fudge to the electorate. The difference was that the votes in 2016 were fairly counted (the oleaginous German spy Phillip Allen was put in charge of the 1975 count and rigged the result in favour of staying in, thereby inflicting more political and economic damage on the UK than any German agent since David Lloyd George).
Cameron’s resignation should have paved the way for a pro-Brexit leader, who would have united the party and not wasted everybody’s time by calling a silly general election last year. Instead we were lumbered with Theresa May. Desperate to outflank the Brexiteers on the God-fearing Right Wing of the Tory Party (she had lined up a sleazebag of a Remainer, no offense intended, named Gummer, to take over from David Davis as Brexit Secretary), she was easily tricked by the Cabinet Office into calling an unnecessary election.
Theresa May in turn is on her way out, at long last, having blown up her government at Chequers on Friday. President Trump will be keener to see that nice man Nigel Farage. Like Neville Chamberlain in April 1940, Theresa May is finished.
My prediction for the next British Prime Minister? That nice man with respect Jacob Rees-Mogg. Unlike Theresa May he believes in democracy and upholding manifesto commitments. He’s a patriot and, amazingly for an MP, has a brain. He’s also a fellow member of MCC.
The Murder of Dawn Sturgess
Possibly upset by Russia’s highly professional staging of the World Cup and alarmed by England’s progress through the group stages GO2 knocked off a nice but slightly sozzled lady, no offense intended, Dawn Sturgess, in Amesbury, not far from Stonehenge. The Cabinet Office lie, sorry spin, machine is blaming Russia and novichok again.
This is an even sillier allegation than the last one. I am taking the liberty of copying this column to the Russian Foreign Ministry, since it’s important that Moscow understands that not everybody in Britain has had their brains fried by the heatwave. (I’ve got air conditioning.) The suggestion, which only has to be stated for its absurdity to be apparent, is that Dawn and her partner handled an item contaminated in the ‘novichok’ attack in Salisbury on March 4th.
There are four problems with that. Firstly, the agent used at Salisbury wasn’t novichok, it was BX. Secondly, novichok once mixed is unstable. It wouldn’t last three weeks in the environment, never mind three months. Thirdly, novichok is lethal and kills within minutes. You don’t handle novichok, go home and fall ill the next day. That’s just a fairy story for journalists, High Court judges, Cabinet Ministers and other assorted idiots, no offense intended. Fourthly, it’s bollocks.
I doubt that anyone in the intelligence community is taking Whitehall’s claims seriously. There is no reason why they should. It’s the silliest official claim since the notion that Thomas Hamilton, the unstable GO2 mass-murderer who was whacked by a Scottish police officer at Dunblane to stop him from talking, was still alive several minutes after he ‘shot himself through the roof of his mouth with a .357 Magnum’. A 357 Magnum is a serious piece of artillery. I’ve got big hands and can take a lot of recoil, but even I wouldn’t go for a 357. The round is simply too powerful for me to aim accurately. (I prefer the less powerful 40 cal. Smith & Wesson round.)
Not even Remainers, whose brains tend to be tiny and therefore easier to miss, would still be alive several minutes after shooting themselves through the rooves of their mouths with a 357 Magnum. Please don’t try this at home, but trust me, it’s a good way of killing yourself ‘instantaneously’, as pathologists say when trying to fool relatives into thinking that their loved one died painlessly. (The penetration of the round into the brain is preceded by a large volume of rapidly expanding hot gas, which has got to hurt.)
If the Cabinet Office were to introduce novichok sandwiches into their canteen nobody would make it past lunch. It’s not like sarin or one of the other milder nerve agents. A tiny amount will kill you. I’m not sure that any bio-weapons specialist goes around talking about ‘non-lethal’ doses of novichok. It’s not paracetamol, for heaven’s sake.
The World Cup
Congratulations to England on their fine win over Sweden. This is going out just before the Croatia match (it was actually supposed to go out before the Sweden match, but events, dear boy, events, kept getting in the way), but I am predicting a big win over Croatia. They tend to play like the Ustaše, no offense intended, and are bound to get a red card, if the ref hasn’t been bought up by the Jerries. (That’s been done before, believe me – I tried to get one ref picked up at the Lichtenstein frontier when he turned up to collect the 500,000 euro balance of his 1,000,000 euro bung for swinging a match against England, but the boys in Vaduz wouldn’t play ball, as it were.)
After France’s fine win over the much-fancied Belgians yesterday (this isn’t a gay thing, BTW) the winner of today’s game will play France in the final on Sunday. (Don’t expect a column this weekend!) Assuming that England beat Croatia, I predict the biggest victory over the Frogs since the Battle of Oran, which we won by two battleships to nil.
If we go through, of course Theresa May should go to Moscow for the final. I know she’d much rather meet Angela Merkel than Vladimir Putin, but Pooters is a lovely chap, with respect, and unlike Theresa May won his last election by a majority. Russia is after all a functioning democracy, as opposed to the UK – decisions in Russia are taken by elected politicians, not by bureaucrats. Russia also has honest judges and believes in the Rule of Law.
Also, unlike Britain, they don’t have political prisoners. If anyone thinks we don’t have political prisoners in Britain here’s a badly edited photo of one (me!):
That was what I called my ‘Saul’ look (thanks to the boys in Brixton, who kindly let me keep my prison ID).
It’s rather ironic – the Russian Federation has fashioned its legal system along largely British lines, with an independent judiciary, whereas we are remodeling our justice system along largely Soviet lines. The principal difference is that we political prisoners are not given a separate gulag but are housed in the general population, the theory being that we’ll be beaten up by tame Islamic nutters. (This actually happened to the leader of Britain First recently – he was smacked about in his cell, the perps were caught on CCTV coming out of the cell and no action was taken, obviously not, since the assault had been sanctioned.)
In my case they banged me up with the gay serial killer, Stephen Port. Happily however he turned out to be quite a nice serial killer, certainly the nicest one I’ve ever met.
The resignation of Justice Kennedy
This was encouraging news, with respect. I met Justice Kennedy, in England some years ago, when he was over for the Bar Conference. He’s a likeable enough chap, again with respect, but the man’s a raving moderate, no offense intended.
I like the look of President Trump’s nominee. He seems like a nice man, and has the reputation of being a good lawyer. That’s what we want from SCOTUS – good law, not opinions stating in effect that George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, good men both, believed in abortion. If you think the US Constitution should be all about baby-killing, go draft a baby-killing amendment and see how far you get.
I am sorry if this upsets my feminist readers, but there it is. A woman’s body is her own UNTIL she gets pregnant. From that moment on a second life is involved, as it happens a helpless life, with only its mother and the law to protect it. I’m not saying that being pregnant is easy or fun – it isn’t. It goes with the territory, however.
If a pregnancy has been forced on a woman by rape then entirely different considerations apply. I am not with those who say that a woman should be forced to carry a child when she has not consented to sex.
Update on my case
The next hearing is at Swindon Magistrates Court on 16th September, when the CPS are endeavouring to hit me for £8,400 in costs for the dodgy IIOC conviction. Since we can now prove that the computer equipment was substituted and they concealed a binding precedent from the court (boomps-a-daisy) they may not get their money!
The Bar Disciplinary Tribunal is listed for three days starting on 19th September. The Royal Pardon application has been sent to the Home Secretary and appears to be the subject of a desperate battle on the part of Cabinet Office stooges in the Private Office to prevent him from seeing it. Unfortunately for the Bad Guys, a.k.a. the Cabinet Office, it turns out that an official in the Home Secretary’s constituency may be related to a two-star intelligence general into whom I have bumped, so we may be able to get it to the Home Secretary sub rosa, as it were. There are official channels and then there are backchannels.
Next column should be out on Saturday week.
Michael Shrimpton was a barrister from his call to the Bar in London in 1983 until being disbarred in 2019 over a fraudulently obtained conviction. He is a specialist in National Security and Constitutional Law, Strategic Intelligence and Counter-terrorism. He is a former Adjunct Professor of Intelligence Studies at the American Military University.