Saudis recognize women’s right to be beheaded

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Riyadh, “Saudi” Arabia

Dissociated Press

In a major breakthrough for women’s rights in the desert kingdom, Clown Prince Bin Salman (BS) has issued an edict proclaiming that henceforth women will have full and equal rights to be beheaded.

“There is no place in a modern, air-conditioned country like ours for archaic relics of the medieval past,” BS announced at a press conference beside the gallows in Chop-Chop Square in downtown Riyadh. “For too long we have discriminated against peaceful female dissidents. Are not their heads worth every bit as much as those of their male counterparts? Beginning today, a woman who speaks out against me will have exactly the same right as a man to have her head severed from her body by a tremendous blow to the neck with a gigantic, lovingly sharpened sword.”

Bin Salman emphasized that in the interests of full and complete equality, he was ordering that female heads be displayed for three days after execution just like male ones, and that henceforth the severed heads of women will not be covered by a niqab: “Forcing women to cover their heads after they have been severed at the neck is an affront to women’s freedom. We don’t ask beheaded male dissidents to hide their faces when we display their bloody severed heads for three days after execution, so why should we force women to undergo this inconvenience?”

In a related move toward gender equality, Bin Salman ordered the Saudi military to ensure that at least 50% of the cluster bomb munitions being dropped on Yemeni civilians land on women. “Though we have been making every effort to blow the heads off Yemeni women and children as well as men, some reports claim that there is still a ‘gender gap’ with respect to our bomb beheadings,” BS explained. “Today’s orders ensure that we are moving toward full gender equality, as befits a modern and forward-looking nation governed by a bunch of Bedouin Beverly Hillbillies.”

BS’s decision to extend beheading and crucifixion rights to women was applauded by international feminist groups, who have long pressured the Saudi regime to move toward full gender equality. But some expressed reservations, saying that the Clown Prince’s decision did not go far enough because it did not extend full beheading and crucifixion rights to the LGBTQ community.

 

10 COMMENTS

  1. If you can’t distinguish between executing drug dealers (Iran) and human rights activists (Saudi Arabia) you may need to look up the word “discernment” in the dictionary.

  2. Kevin, you better be careful how you speak about Fraudi Arabia’s lack of civil rights or you’ll end up like Canada, threatened with another 9/11 style attack on your house.

  3. JohnZ analysis of the situation is correct. They’ll do another meet up, and put their hands on the orb.

    Oh, heck . . . let’s do that any good Christian sect would do . . . lite them on fire!

    I heard it was good enough for Joan d’Arc . . . after all, she took the French to victory and this is how they repaid her. So let me get this straight, France WON the nasty war, and the British LOST. But the British ordered Joan to be lit up, and France did it?!?!?!

    I heard she was given some med’sin to make it easier for her. She wouldn’t feel a thing. Yeah, nothing like sheer panic . . .

    And I thought they allowed women this equal right? Am I missing something?

    Dissociated Press has been around for long time, but in truth . . . people are just insan/e, historically and remember kids . . . History: We’re Soaking In It

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzmTtusvjR4
    Now get back in the kitchen, and soften up those hands!

    Maybe the UN can give out the Joan d’Arc award for this House of Sand and Fraud equality achievement?

  4. i don’t know if this is true or not; it’s probably no worse than what the vatikan did to the cathars, and what happened in the french revolution; sadly this is the way some of the descendants of abraham behave.

  5. Another great piece of satire kevin.
    Take heart MBS (more bull shite) will probably read your column and decide why not?
    President Trump will laud MBS’s decision as well, stating, it’s a great step forward for women’s rights, especially for those in Yemen.

    • Yes, Trump will laud , but who was the genius what had the idea ?? who made the sugestion to MBS to give a modern look to the kingdom ?? not Trump, he’s an asshole without brain, surely was a John Bolton idea !!!

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