In the latest shocking turn of events in an increasingly twisted saga, embattled Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanagh has announced his impending conversion to Judaism. Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference on the Capitol steps, Kavanagh said he will undergo a conversion ceremony, including a public circumcision by top Chabad-Lubavitch rabbi Yehuda Karinski, at the National Cathedral in Washington DC beginning at noon tomorrow.
“Henri IV said Paris was well worth a mass. I say a Supreme Court seat is well worth a public whacking. By converting to Judaism and having the end of my penis sliced off, I will prove once and for all that I am qualified,” Kavanagh stated. He explained that his conversion solved the problem of Catholic overrepresentation on the court—he would have been the fifth Catholic out of nine justices—while simultaneously helping address the crisis of Jewish underrepresentation. Kavanagh explained that there are currently only three Jewish justices, making up a mere 33% of the Court, despite the fact that Jews constitute more than 65% of America’s ruling elite. As the fourth Jewish justice, Kavanagh explained, he will be “striking a blow against anti-Semitism by helping the Jewish community overcome institutionalized barriers of prejudice and racism that have impeded its natural rise to a position of complete dominance over all American institutions of power.”
Kavanagh also claimed that his public circumcision, which will be broadcast live in wide-screen close-up by CNN, NBC, Fox, and all other media, will provide a moving spectacle of atonement for his alleged crimes. “Since it was my penis, not me, that was responsible for those horrible things I might or might not have done but was obviously way too drunk to remember, it is only fitting that my penis should be punished,” he explained. “And what better punishment than a bloody and painful partial dismemberment, sacrificing the most sensitive portion of my anatomy, broadcast on live television to billions of people around the world?”
Reaction from Kavanagh’s opponents was mixed. “We are glad to hear that Brett Kavanagh’s penis is finally taking partial responsibility for its crimes,” said spokesfeminist Wiwona Kuttitov of the anti-Kavanagh NGO Feminists for Penis Control (FEM-PC). “But the only way it can assume full responsibility, and fully atone, is through full and complete dismemberment.”
Defenders of Kavanagh’s decision to convert included the five Jews who had been leading the anti-Kavanaugh movement: Diane Feinstein, Richard Blumenthal, Chuck Schumer, Debra Katz, and Michael Bromwich. In a joint statement, the five vowed to switch sides and support Kavanagh as soon as his conversion was completed and his offending penis mutilated.
Kavanagh’s penis, drooping its head in shame and cowering between the thighs of its owner, could not be reached for comment.