Kavanagh converts to Judaism to save Supreme Court nomination

Circumcision ceremony scheduled for noon tomorrow at National Cathedral

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Kavanagh prepares for his "public whacking"

Dissociated Press

In the latest shocking turn of events in an increasingly twisted saga, embattled Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanagh has announced his impending conversion to Judaism. Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference on the Capitol steps, Kavanagh said he will undergo a conversion ceremony, including a public circumcision by top Chabad-Lubavitch rabbi Yehuda Karinski, at the National Cathedral in Washington DC beginning at noon tomorrow.

“Henri IV said Paris was well worth a mass. I say a Supreme Court seat is well worth a public whacking. By converting to Judaism and having the end of my penis sliced off, I will prove once and for all that I am qualified,” Kavanagh stated. He explained that his conversion solved the problem of Catholic overrepresentation on the court—he would have been the fifth Catholic out of nine justices—while simultaneously helping address the crisis of Jewish underrepresentation. Kavanagh explained that there are currently only three Jewish justices, making up a mere 33% of the Court, despite the fact that Jews constitute more than 65% of America’s ruling elite. As the fourth Jewish justice, Kavanagh explained, he will be “striking a blow against anti-Semitism by helping the Jewish community overcome institutionalized barriers of prejudice and racism that have impeded its natural rise to a position of complete dominance over all American institutions of power.”

Kavanagh also claimed that his public circumcision, which will be broadcast live in wide-screen close-up by CNN, NBC, Fox, and all other media, will provide a moving spectacle of atonement for his alleged crimes. “Since it was my penis, not me, that was responsible for those horrible things I might or might not have done but was obviously way too drunk to remember, it is only fitting that my penis should be punished,” he explained. “And what better punishment than a bloody and painful partial dismemberment, sacrificing the most sensitive portion of my anatomy, broadcast on live television to billions of people around the world?”

Reaction from Kavanagh’s opponents was mixed. “We are glad to hear that Brett Kavanagh’s penis is finally taking partial responsibility for its crimes,” said spokesfeminist Wiwona Kuttitov of the anti-Kavanagh NGO Feminists for Penis Control (FEM-PC). “But the only way it can assume full responsibility, and fully atone, is through full and complete dismemberment.”

Defenders of Kavanagh’s decision to convert included the five Jews who had been leading the anti-Kavanaugh movement: Diane Feinstein, Richard Blumenthal, Chuck Schumer, Debra Katz, and Michael Bromwich. In a joint statement, the five vowed to switch sides and support Kavanagh as soon as his conversion was completed and his offending penis mutilated.

Kavanagh’s penis, drooping its head in shame and cowering between the thighs of its owner, could not be reached for comment.

 


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14 COMMENTS

  1. Chapter 17 Genesis, is Swallow, 3rd decan of Virgo and simultaneously Iq, the 12th day or christianity.

    Iq is sudden or quick movement and swallow is cleaning with bleach. The chapter is properly written and bizarrely placed in perfect correlation with 3 different cultures. Absolutely nothing to do with chopping babies foreskins off. Swallow is Sept 13- 22 , the ones who mow their lawns with white button down shirts and women who are impulsively clean. The story of circumcision is a descriptor of a time, not a religious benefit. Ridiculous and absurd. Are we to remove tonsils to get closer to God ? What about appendix, you don’t need those …

  2. Their endgame is to be the only white people left on the planet. Europeans will be mocha and Americans will be caramel. Asians will be their marital partners.

  3. So why can’t an atheist sit on the Bench? Why can’t an atheist be elected to office?
    But no, you have to belong to one of the phony religious sects, it’s even better if your Southern Bapduhs, Catholic or Jewish but atheist?…….heavens no!
    So at this point I’m declaring my intention to run for congressional office as a declared atheist. I will favor no religious aspect nor will I neglect either the Constitution or more importantly, The Bill of Rights, which most of those in Washedupton have deemed irrelevant.
    I will then appoint other atheists to my cabinet and to the Supreme Court.
    The atheists I appoint must of course have high moral and civic values which honor and respect the Bill of Rights and the freedoms and liberties it protects.
    I might bring a Muslim, Baptist or Catholic just to make things interesting…..well maybe not a Baptist….they’re too stupid.

  4. Kevin, BRAVO. Truth has become very dangerous to publish, even if couched in satire.

    How long will VT be allowed to publish truth?

    BRAVO

  5. I assure you, sir or madam, that being American by nationality and Muslim by religion does not prevent me from noticing life’s many absurdities. Nor does it prevent me from having a sense of humor, as your nationality or religion apparently does.

  6. I read the headline shortly after coming across one headed, ‘National Jesuit Publication Pulls Support For Kavanaugh’, and thought that things in the US were getting beyond farcical!. Good Spoof, at ;east I hope it was s spoof otherwise things over there are really ‘Off the Wall’.

  7. LMFBO – Obviously a pastiche parody but none the less true. It clearly articulates the ignorance & complacency of many people who simply refuse to wake up (despite being forewarned about a “monolithic & ruthless conspiracy to enslave every man, woman and child”) to the enslavement & incrementally synthesized apoptosis of Liberty & natural rights. Dumbocracy on display. Sic Semper Tyrannis

  8. HA,ha, ha. Great commentary, Kevin.
    One question…will a topical anesthetic be used or will he be forced to endure the ceremony with any pain killers?
    Of course there’s Oxycontin afterwards ….lots of it……..can get it from Rush.

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