Kavanagh converts to Judaism to save Supreme Court nomination

Circumcision ceremony scheduled for noon tomorrow at National Cathedral

Kavanagh prepares for his "public whacking"

Dissociated Press

In the latest shocking turn of events in an increasingly twisted saga, embattled Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanagh has announced his impending conversion to Judaism. Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference on the Capitol steps, Kavanagh said he will undergo a conversion ceremony, including a public circumcision by top Chabad-Lubavitch rabbi Yehuda Karinski, at the National Cathedral in Washington DC beginning at noon tomorrow.

“Henri IV said Paris was well worth a mass. I say a Supreme Court seat is well worth a public whacking. By converting to Judaism and having the end of my penis sliced off, I will prove once and for all that I am qualified,” Kavanagh stated. He explained that his conversion solved the problem of Catholic overrepresentation on the court—he would have been the fifth Catholic out of nine justices—while simultaneously helping address the crisis of Jewish underrepresentation. Kavanagh explained that there are currently only three Jewish justices, making up a mere 33% of the Court, despite the fact that Jews constitute more than 65% of America’s ruling elite. As the fourth Jewish justice, Kavanagh explained, he will be “striking a blow against anti-Semitism by helping the Jewish community overcome institutionalized barriers of prejudice and racism that have impeded its natural rise to a position of complete dominance over all American institutions of power.”

Kavanagh also claimed that his public circumcision, which will be broadcast live in wide-screen close-up by CNN, NBC, Fox, and all other media, will provide a moving spectacle of atonement for his alleged crimes. “Since it was my penis, not me, that was responsible for those horrible things I might or might not have done but was obviously way too drunk to remember, it is only fitting that my penis should be punished,” he explained. “And what better punishment than a bloody and painful partial dismemberment, sacrificing the most sensitive portion of my anatomy, broadcast on live television to billions of people around the world?”

Reaction from Kavanagh’s opponents was mixed. “We are glad to hear that Brett Kavanagh’s penis is finally taking partial responsibility for its crimes,” said spokesfeminist Wiwona Kuttitov of the anti-Kavanagh NGO Feminists for Penis Control (FEM-PC). “But the only way it can assume full responsibility, and fully atone, is through full and complete dismemberment.”

Defenders of Kavanagh’s decision to convert included the five Jews who had been leading the anti-Kavanaugh movement: Diane Feinstein, Richard Blumenthal, Chuck Schumer, Debra Katz, and Michael Bromwich. In a joint statement, the five vowed to switch sides and support Kavanagh as soon as his conversion was completed and his offending penis mutilated.

Kavanagh’s penis, drooping its head in shame and cowering between the thighs of its owner, could not be reached for comment.


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  1. Chapter 17 Genesis, is Swallow, 3rd decan of Virgo and simultaneously Iq, the 12th day or christianity.

    Iq is sudden or quick movement and swallow is cleaning with bleach. The chapter is properly written and bizarrely placed in perfect correlation with 3 different cultures. Absolutely nothing to do with chopping babies foreskins off. Swallow is Sept 13- 22 , the ones who mow their lawns with white button down shirts and women who are impulsively clean. The story of circumcision is a descriptor of a time, not a religious benefit. Ridiculous and absurd. Are we to remove tonsils to get closer to God ? What about appendix, you don’t need those …

  2. I just had a thought which is my own realization into Kavanagh . . . and he’s a very sick person.

    Any sane person would not, and I repeat NOT, put his family through this.


    This man is so distanced from reality that he is assuaging his guilt through the media.

    Said another way . . .

    This man is so distanced from reality that he is assuaging his guilt through the media?!?!?!?!?

    And we watch.

    Rubber maid rubber neckers . . . rubbing necking to listen to the man’s “frat” antics fanatics on tell-a-vision, and his children — daughters — can hear. What? He thinks their ears are painted on?

    They WANT him for a reason. And that reason is to turn over federal land to their cow munching rancher hordes who saw down all the trees, slaughter all the buffalo . . . deplete our resources, infrastructure through fracking the Dakotas, etc.

    He has defiled the imagine of the female in his early “I drink beer” daze. He continues to get away with it, and puts up his daughters in the public limelight in the process . . . of airing his filthy dirty draws.

    So please do confirm this psycho, and have fun getting a room at the Bates Motel. Watch the nation become deforested. Watch more fires being set to clear out the path. This is the slash and burn brigade. Drive I-5 through Redding. This is the man THEY WANT to sit on the SCOTUS . . .

    What? They can’t find anyone else.

    Teddy Bears for all.

  3. Their endgame is to be the only white people left on the planet. Europeans will be mocha and Americans will be caramel. Asians will be their marital partners.

  4. So why can’t an atheist sit on the Bench? Why can’t an atheist be elected to office?
    But no, you have to belong to one of the phony religious sects, it’s even better if your Southern Bapduhs, Catholic or Jewish but atheist?…….heavens no!
    So at this point I’m declaring my intention to run for congressional office as a declared atheist. I will favor no religious aspect nor will I neglect either the Constitution or more importantly, The Bill of Rights, which most of those in Washedupton have deemed irrelevant.
    I will then appoint other atheists to my cabinet and to the Supreme Court.
    The atheists I appoint must of course have high moral and civic values which honor and respect the Bill of Rights and the freedoms and liberties it protects.
    I might bring a Muslim, Baptist or Catholic just to make things interesting…..well maybe not a Baptist….they’re too stupid.

    • Agreed! But, drop the label. I wouldn’t care if Albino lesbian florists who were born in Canada get appointed, anointed or elected. Just as long as they were committed to making life better for people, without the immediate satisfaction of their personal gain. The minute a person places their own motivations over others, ESPECIALLY if they are there to “lead” . . . we all suffer.

  5. At first I thought this was true news. But then I saw the reference to the DC Cathedral, and I thought “this can never be true”. Kavanaugh is an Irish Catholic, right? Besides, I thought 99 percent of American males are already circumsized by default.

  6. Kevin, BRAVO. Truth has become very dangerous to publish, even if couched in satire.

    How long will VT be allowed to publish truth?


  7. I assure you, sir or madam, that being American by nationality and Muslim by religion does not prevent me from noticing life’s many absurdities. Nor does it prevent me from having a sense of humor, as your nationality or religion apparently does.

  8. Oh, oh, oh . . . will Zlinky Zinke . . . the Secretary of the Interior be next??

    I hear he may be up for the chop, and discussions with Chabad-Lubavitch rabbi Yehuda Karinski will proceed soon.

    “After we develop the “blockade” of the entire Mediterranean with our US Navy Vessels . . .” Zinke stated,
    “I’m going to get this procedure. Although I had my foreskin taken, it’s just not the same as having a Rabbi do it, and then sucking off the blood from the wound.”

    Zinke was referring to Israel’s chief rabbinate who says oral suction at circumcision is preferred … a practice known as metzitzah b’peh, or “oral suction circumcisions,” After the mohel cuts off the foreskin, he uses his mouth – oral suction, rather than … clear the wound on the baby’s penls of blood, lest it clot and decay.

    Oh, so that’s why they do it? “Lest it clot and decay” . . . Silly me, I thought it was the oral tradition of the Khazars, the mash-up of the best of both worlds?!?


  9. OMIGOSH — shut up.

    But this is HILLARIOUS! ” Famous rebel French Jew Roger Dommergue (1924-2013) – full name, Roger Guy Dommergue Polacco de Ménasce – said that infant circumcision was a major mutiliting trauma that helped making his fellow Jews into bitter, resentful, power-seeking people.”

    So this is why the Jewish Nation of Israhell is full of bitter, resent, power-seeking people?

    What about the females? The Ladies of Likud are equally bitter, resentful, power-seeking.

    And what about the CHRISTIAN MALES that have snipped?

    OH SNAP . . . this explains it.

  10. I read the headline shortly after coming across one headed, ‘National Jesuit Publication Pulls Support For Kavanaugh’, and thought that things in the US were getting beyond farcical!. Good Spoof, at ;east I hope it was s spoof otherwise things over there are really ‘Off the Wall’.

  11. LMFBO – Obviously a pastiche parody but none the less true. It clearly articulates the ignorance & complacency of many people who simply refuse to wake up (despite being forewarned about a “monolithic & ruthless conspiracy to enslave every man, woman and child”) to the enslavement & incrementally synthesized apoptosis of Liberty & natural rights. Dumbocracy on display. Sic Semper Tyrannis

  12. HA,ha, ha. Great commentary, Kevin.
    One question…will a topical anesthetic be used or will he be forced to endure the ceremony with any pain killers?
    Of course there’s Oxycontin afterwards ….lots of it……..can get it from Rush.

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