With all of the big stories lately such as the Mueller investigation, Brexit, Venezuela, the Middle East and others you may have missed some of the lessor known stories of late. As we enter a new month and to help you become better informed, I have compiled several of these stories which are presented below.
A brewery in Tel Aviv has announced that it has created a new beer that is kosher for Passover. They are calling it HeBraü.®
Trump Mental Diagnosis
Since Donald Trump took office as President, psychologists and psychiatrists have speculated about his mental condition and fitness for office.
Some of the conditions they have mentioned include:
Compulsive lying – He lies about everything including very trivial matters even when the truth would sound better.
ADD or ADHD, the high definition version of ADD
Greed and avarice
Drug abuse and/or addiction
Racism and sexism
Several different forms of dementia
It has even been suggested by some that he is in the tertiary stage of syphilis where the disease begins to “eat” his brain – There may be some truth to this because when you have screwed over 90% of the people in the country, you are bound to pick up something.
Recently the mental health professionals have determined that these symptoms comprise a single syndrome. They have determined that Donald Trump is afflicted with:
Rectum Dominant Personality Disorder.
This syndrome is rather peculiar in that the person who has it is not aware of its existence but its effects are felt by those around him or her.
They believe that this is a genetic condition since his father apparently exhibited the symptoms and his two elder sons also share this condition. In the case of his eldest daughter, the symptoms are less clearly exhibited though she does show signs of
Chronic Undefined Narcissistic Tendencies.
Doctors are also exploring the possibility of it being contagious as many people who have attended rallies where Trump spoke have began to show some of the symptoms.
New Wonder Drug Developed for Women
Pharmaceutical giant Murk has announced that it has partnered with the Taliban to develop a revolutionary new opiate that is specially formulated for the unique needs of women. They are calling it Heroine®.
Space Force Announcement
Vice President, Mike Pence has announced that he has issued a contract with Aerospace giant Bo-Wing to construct our first starship. It will based on the design of the Orville and be named in honor of Pence’s wife. Named the “Mother Ship,” it will use off-the-shelf components to save on cost overruns. It will be powered by standard Acme-Roadrunner® Matter – Anti-matter drives and use Flux Capacitor levitation. It will utilize the autopilot system from the 737 Max. The cruiser will be armed with Photon Torpedoes and Phasers based on designs from the Enterprise. Though these are considered legacy systems, their reliability has been proven over many years of reruns.
After its first mission to find the exact location of G-d, (believed to be behind a cloud over Indiana) it will make its first trip to Alpha Centauri. Pence stated that the plan is to begin regular commuter service by 2030.
Forest Fire Prevention
In the new budget proposed by President Trump, he is asking for $105,122,378,142.96 to be spent buying tractors specially equipped with giant vacuum cleaners to remove the debris from forest floors in California. As he has stated, Norway cleans the floors of their forests and they don’t have the problems with fires that California experiences. He has also asked for $222 billion for the refrigeration equipment necessary to keep snow on the ground for seven or more months per year like Norway has. To power this equipment, he has also requested $201 billion for construction of a series of new, zero emission power plants fueled by beautiful clean coal.
In a related story, Hotburn Coal Corporation CEO, Rex Blackerinschitt has stated that this increase in the demand for coal may lead to the hiring of up to 12 new workers at its Bumfuc, West Virginia open pit mine and bring back the glory days of coal as promised by the president.
Omarosa Releases New Recording
Former reality game show contestant and White House Senior Adviser Omarosa Manigault Newman, has released a new recording from a White House staff meeting in 2017. I have been able to obtain an exclusive copy of a transcript of this recording and am printing it below.
Stephen Miller: “Sir, you have created quite a furor with your comments on Charlottesville.”
Trump: “I told you not to call me Führer in public – yet.”
John Kelly: “How could you not see this coming?”
Trump: “And I told you to knock off the talk about Nazis for now.”
New Emergency Vaccination Plan
The CDC has announced a new plan to eliminate the groups of un-vaccinated people around the country. “The ‘Anti-Vax’ population poses a severe health risk to the general population and it is time to do something about it,” stated spokesman Dr. Malvin Practice. According to Mal Practice, as he prefers to be called, they have come up with a new aerosolized method of vaccination and have formulated a plan. They plan to hire crop dusters to fly over the pockets of the country where there are many people who refuse to vaccinate their kids and spray them with the vaccinating agent. They feel that their normal distribution method of chemtrails would not be effective as they are released 7 or more miles up in the sky and they would diffuse too much by the time they reached the ground.
The formula includes antibodies for measles, mumps, diphtheria, chicken pox, small pox, medium pox, large pox, tetanus, constipation, lethargy, ED, Ebola, HIV, FIV, HPV, ADD, VFW, FBI, CIA, NSA, DHS and many other three letter infections. They are also including DDT to kill mosquitos that carry West Nile virus, and Roundup® to get rid of weeds.
Flag Joins Me Too
The newest member of the Me Too movement is the American flag. Old Glory has said that she was repeatedly molested by a greasy old man who has forced unwanted hugs and bodily contact repeatedly on her.
Ms. Glory said that it made her feel dirty and the old man acted very creepy when he assaulted her. “He had this really disturbing smirk on his face while he rubbed his body against me. I could feel his genitals pressing against me and it made want to vomit. I was left with orange stains and felt so dirty that I even considered self immolation but since I don’t have hands, I could not light the match.” She further stated, “Even though speaking out about these incidents in public is very painful, if I can prevent this from happening to even one other innocent flag it will be worth it.
Michael Cohen Releases Recording
Former Trump attorney and fixer Michael Cohen has released a recording of a conversation he had in the Oval Office with the President. Members of the Trump legal team have quoted excerpts from this meeting to suggest that Cohen has asked for a Presidential pardon. Again, through diligent research, I have obtained a copy of the full transcript.
Trump: “Mike, you are scheduled to testify before Congress and you can’t let them know my secrets. Do what you have to do so that they don’t find out about the porn star and the money laundering for the Russian mob. Lie if necessary. The truth can’t get out. Your life and the welfare of your family depend on this.“
Cohen: “I BEG YOUR PARDON!”
Trump: “I can arrange that. After all I am the President.”
Trump Foundation to Build Low Income Housing
The Trump Foundation has set up a Go-Fund-Me page to help with construction of a series of low income housing units in southern Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. These are being built to house recent immigrants to our country at little or no rent. They have named Corrections Corporation of America as overseers of these facilities. If you wish to donate to this worthy cause please call 1-800 – no spicks.
My New Business
Please forgive this plug for my new business.
I have recently noticed that there is a business opportunity that has received a lot of publicity lately though it has been around since before recorded time. It involves selling access to someone who is in a unique position to help the buyer get a contract or to receive information that is helpful to them. The facilitator is a person who has connections to a person who is sought out and proceeds to sell access to that person or persons. Such a facilitator is Chinese national, Li Yang. In addition to allegedly owning a string of brothels and massage parlors known as “rub and tug” shops staffed by young women who have been obtained by human trafficking, she also is a close friend of Donald Trump and is often seen at Mar-a-Lago. She allegedly is selling access to the President to fellow Chinese businessmen who want favorable treatment from our government.
Reading about this got me thinking, “How can I cash in on this trend?” Who do I know? Well, I have known our senior editor, Gordon Duff, since we were sophomores in high school together over half a century ago.
To prepare for this enterprise, I am in the process of setting up a string of brothels between Lansing and Lake Michigan. This is proving to be quite expensive so I have set up a Go-Fuck-Me page to help fund this venture. If you would care to help out, please call 1-800 get laid.
For the paltry sum of one million dollars, I will setup five one hour meetings with Gordon Duff, the world’s foremost authority. (note to G: one word – fee splitting)
For some reason, yet to be disclosed to me, I have been denied access to Mar-a-Lago for these meetings but I have been able to secure luxury facilities at the Red Roof Inn of Battle Creek, Michigan.
If you would like to secure exclusive access to Mr. Duff, please contact me at 1-800 Buy Gord.
There is a growing group in Texas that would like to separate from the rest of the US. They cite irreparable differences with the way the country is moving. “Free health care, free college, equal justice under the law, building codes, proving someone is really guilty before executing them. All of these run counter to the Texas free spirit and individualism that is the true measure of Texas,” stated their spokesperson, Austin Houston. They have called their movement, Texit, not to be confused with a similar movement in Florida, Flexit.
Biden Hires Image Consulting Firm
After a particularly bad week for presumptive Democratic presidential candidate, Joe Biden, his team has hired image consulting company Fuleme-Wunse to aid with his image. Fearing that Biden was out of step with the current reality in politics the decision to hire the former Trump campaign consulting firm was made. Biden spokesman, Lance Boyle, speaking off-the-record, said, “If they can polish that turd, imagine what they can do with a truly nice guy.
Biden was accused of offering support by giving a candidate he supported a kiss on the back of the head and putting his hands on her shoulders without permission. He was also seen in a recording putting his hands on the shoulders of the nervous wife of a man getting an award and whispering encouragement in her ear as a way to calm her anxiety.
In its first recommendation to Biden, Fuleme-Wunse suggested that he should never touch a woman’s shoulders. The only appropriate way to greet a woman is to grab her by the pussy. They also suggested that, if possible, Biden should arrange to walk into a dressing room full of underage girls while they are undressed.
New Form of PTSD Discovered
A new form of PTSD has been added to the psychiatric manual. This new form of PTSD first appeared on January 20, 2017 and has rapidly spread throughout the US and other countries. Millions of Americans currently show symptoms ranging from general anxiety to complete breakdowns. Other symptoms include undefined rage and short tempers. Doctors are hoping to find a cure around November of 2020. For those not familiar with the term PTSD, it is an acronym which stands for:
President Trump Stress Disorder.
Surprise Supreme Court Ruling
In a stunning reversal of the normal path that a case takes through lower courts before reaching the Supreme Court, yesterday the justices decided to take on the controversial release of the entire Mueller Report. Responding to an emergency request from the group Citizens Divided, they chose to bypass the lower courts and take the case directly, as they did with the landmark case Gore V. Bush. After they read the briefs and heard oral arguments, they decided that the full report must be released to the public within 30 days. With dissent from odd couple Clarence Thomas and Ruth Bader Ginsberg, both of whom wrote very different dissenting opinions, the court voted 6 to 2 to issue the order. Justice Brett Kavanaugh was not available for the historic vote.
Jeff Sessions Announcement
In a surprise announcement, former Alabama Senator, US Attorney General, and Keebler Elf model, Jeff Sessions has decided to join former Ohio congressman and Speaker of the House John Boehner’s marijuana company. Sessions, who while Attorney General once threatened to send Federal agents to raid state legal medical marijuana dispensaries, was asked about this apparent flip-flop. He replied that he still hated the wicked weed and “the long haired, unwashed, sandal wearing hippies who lie around all day shooting up marijuana, but dayum there’s a buttload of money to be made there.”
The Trump Foundation has announced that it is offering scholarships to Trump University for deserving students. Those who wish to apply for the scholarships should submit an application and a certified transcript from their high school along with a non-refundable application fee of $999.99. Winners of the scholarship will receive a fully deferred tuition to Trump University, which can be repaid in 240 payments with the low interest rate of 18%. (rule of 78s applied)
Republican Contingency Plan
After extensive work, I have been able to plant a mole deep inside of the Republican Party elite. My mole has recently reported that the hierarchy of the party is very concerned about the possible embarrassment that they would suffer if the full Mueller Report or one of the other investigations of the President resulted in an impeachment or forced resignation. They have only recently recovered from Richard Nixon’s resignation. Though with the very limited Barr interpretation of the Mueller report this is probably very unlikely, if either of these scenarios appear imminent they have a contingency plan in place, code named Scalia 2.0, for a false flag assassination. This would allow Donald Trump to go out as a hero, making America great again by being assassinated. All of the details have been carefully worked out but there is one glaring problem they have encountered. They have been unable to find an undocumented Mexican Muslim, preferably Transgender, to pin it on.
This ends my report for today but I want to extend a special thank you to the editors and reporters of Newz of the Whirled® for their help in sourcing this article. Newz of the Whirled® is a division of Newz Corpse® “At Newz Corpse, we get the newz dead right.”