Only Way to Avoid Coronavirus: Stay Home 24/7 Watching Coronavirus News

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Dissociated Press

In the wake of new studies showing that the best way to avoid coronavirus is to stay home watching coronavirus coverage, the United States government and the corporations that own it have rolled out a new plan to curtail the spread of the dread disease.

Yesterday the newly-merged Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Center for Media Control (CMC) announced that beginning next week, all mainstream media outlets will merge into a single mega-corporation, the Coronavirus News Network (CvNN). Once CvNN begins broadcasting at 12:01 a.m. next Monday, the American public will be required to stay home and watch nonstop coronavirus emergency coverage until the emergency is over or they die of starvation, whichever comes first.

“Do not touch that dial. Do not attempt to view any other channels, especially alternative media. Do not leave your house. All of these seemingly innocuous activities have been found to spread coronavirus,” explained CDC-CMC Director Dr. Ignatius “Splatz” Sneezlestein. “The only safe activity is watching overpaid talking heads discussing coronavirus on a screen. Do anything else, and you’re putting your life, and thousands of other lives, at risk.”

The CDC-CMC cites evidence that coronavirus first emerged not from snot sucked out of the nostril of a bat floating in a bowl of bat soup, nor from a germ warfare laboratory, but rather emerged spontaneously due to the complete lack of coronavirus coverage prevailing at the time. “Think about it: Immediately prior to the emergence of the coronavirus, there was no coronavirus media coverage whatsoever,” Dr. Sneezlestein explained. “This utter and complete coronavirus media coverage vacuum may have created almost miraculously perfect conditions for the Covid-19 organism to appear ex nihilo and begin furiously replicating itself.” He went on to cite studies showing that people who ingest fewer than 12 hours of coronavirus coverage daily are at extreme risk of contacting the disease.

Though all reputable health experts unanimously support the CDC-CMC “all coronavirus all the time” CvNN initiative, opinions vary on whether large screens or small screens offer the most effective preventative treatment. Large-screen advocates say that gigantic images of overpaid talking heads discussing coronavirus, especially when the volume is turned way up, can terrify and dishearten the virus and cause it to waste away or even commit suicide. Small-screen proponents counter that it is critically important to keep watching the coverage even while going to the bathroom, and since carrying your big-screen TV into the bathroom with you every time you feel the need to void your bladder or bowels is impractical, it is better to watch it on a phone or laptop.

Following the CDC-CMC announcement, mainstream media stocks rallied, marking the first time they have risen since the internet was invented.

Biography
Dr. Kevin Barrett, a Ph.D. Arabist-Islamologist, is one of America’s best-known critics of the War on Terror.

He is host of TRUTH JIHAD RADIO; a hard driving weekly radio show funded by listener donations at Patreon.com and FALSE FLAG WEEKLY NEWS (FFWN); a audio-video show produced by Tony Hall, Allan Reese, and Kevin himself. FFWN is funded through FundRazr.

He also has appeared many times on Fox, CNN, PBS and other broadcast outlets, and has inspired feature stories and op-eds in the New York Times, the Christian Science Monitor, the Chicago Tribune, and other leading publications.

Dr. Barrett has taught at colleges and universities in San Francisco, Paris, and Wisconsin; where he ran for Congress in 2008. He currently works as a nonprofit organizer, author, and talk radio host.
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7 COMMENTS

  1. In my neck of the Thumb, the locals are furious at the scare mongering shouted out by the MSM, using some choice and ripe language to express their exasperation. I just wish they could realize that the threat is NOT THE VIRUS, nor the scare mongering, but the intimidation, control, and surveillance being increased, step by step since 911; mass shootings, communist enemies, Muslim terrorists, etc. Hysteria in the population renders a population vulnerable to autocratic control.

  2. Where is King Kong now that he’s needed? “We don’t need those camel herders’ airplanes — we’ve gotta move those microwave grills.”

  3. Nice one Kevin, Satire at its best. I will bet the farm you fooled a lot of “Folks” Obimbos word of choice..But I know you dislike the Irish talking “Knucklehead” for a better word on FOX-TV Sean-Hannity…..
    Charles Messina
    Ma-Salaam

  4. Ah yes, the new/old way to ” Exterminate” the populace. And as in ” Da Holocaust”, the old people are always the first to expire , since they have more to steal from and the young , can still be – Trained. The Empire needs to be Isolated – never again to be permitted past their Ocean Moats.

  5. Reminds me of the Outer Limits:

    There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. …etc …CvNN

  6. Fuk I miss Mad TV. ‘Cause I don’t have the attention to read the magazine. Hats of to you! Lauren should be calling soon. Screw the academics!

Comments are closed.