In the wake of new studies showing that the best way to avoid coronavirus is to stay home watching coronavirus coverage, the United States government and the corporations that own it have rolled out a new plan to curtail the spread of the dread disease.
Yesterday the newly-merged Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Center for Media Control (CMC) announced that beginning next week, all mainstream media outlets will merge into a single mega-corporation, the Coronavirus News Network (CvNN). Once CvNN begins broadcasting at 12:01 a.m. next Monday, the American public will be required to stay home and watch nonstop coronavirus emergency coverage until the emergency is over or they die of starvation, whichever comes first.
“Do not touch that dial. Do not attempt to view any other channels, especially alternative media. Do not leave your house. All of these seemingly innocuous activities have been found to spread coronavirus,” explained CDC-CMC Director Dr. Ignatius “Splatz” Sneezlestein. “The only safe activity is watching overpaid talking heads discussing coronavirus on a screen. Do anything else, and you’re putting your life, and thousands of other lives, at risk.”
The CDC-CMC cites evidence that coronavirus first emerged not from snot sucked out of the nostril of a bat floating in a bowl of bat soup, nor from a germ warfare laboratory, but rather emerged spontaneously due to the complete lack of coronavirus coverage prevailing at the time. “Think about it: Immediately prior to the emergence of the coronavirus, there was no coronavirus media coverage whatsoever,” Dr. Sneezlestein explained. “This utter and complete coronavirus media coverage vacuum may have created almost miraculously perfect conditions for the Covid-19 organism to appear ex nihilo and begin furiously replicating itself.” He went on to cite studies showing that people who ingest fewer than 12 hours of coronavirus coverage daily are at extreme risk of contacting the disease.
Though all reputable health experts unanimously support the CDC-CMC “all coronavirus all the time” CvNN initiative, opinions vary on whether large screens or small screens offer the most effective preventative treatment. Large-screen advocates say that gigantic images of overpaid talking heads discussing coronavirus, especially when the volume is turned way up, can terrify and dishearten the virus and cause it to waste away or even commit suicide. Small-screen proponents counter that it is critically important to keep watching the coverage even while going to the bathroom, and since carrying your big-screen TV into the bathroom with you every time you feel the need to void your bladder or bowels is impractical, it is better to watch it on a phone or laptop.
Following the CDC-CMC announcement, mainstream media stocks rallied, marking the first time they have risen since the internet was invented.
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Dr. Barrett has taught at colleges and universities in San Francisco, Paris, and Wisconsin; where he ran for Congress in 2008. He currently works as a nonprofit organizer, author, and talk radio host.