At a press conference this morning President Donald Trump announced a novel solution to the coronavirus problem: condoms. “We now have it totally under control, it’s going to be just fine. All you have to do is wear a condom when you go out in public,” Trump explained.
The President proceeded to extract a foil packet containing a condom from his shirt pocket, open the packet, remove the condom, and pull it down over his head. As Trump mumbled guttural noises from within the rubber encasement, First Son-in-Law Jared Kusher explained:
“My shadow coronavirus task force has solved the coronavirus problem, just like we solved the Middle East problem a few months ago. The solution is simple: condom-enhanced social distancing. Henceforth every American must pull a condom over his or her head whenever they leave the house. This will prevent the coronavirus from being coughed, sneezed, or breathed into the atmosphere, thereby cutting off all possible sources of transmission.”
As Trump began emitting choking sounds, Kushner explained that only XXL heavy-duty condoms—the kind the President uses, especially during sexual assaults—have the necessary size, strength, and resilience to fit over the human head. He added that his own company’s recent acquisition of all of the major condom manufacturers will allow a quick transition to an industrial-scale manufacturing program designed to supply Americans with the billions of heavy-duty XXL condoms they will need to buy during the coming weeks.
The press conference ended as Trump collapsed and was pronounced dead, and Mike Pence strode to the podium to take the Oath of Office.
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Dr. Barrett has taught at colleges and universities in San Francisco, Paris, and Wisconsin; where he ran for Congress in 2008. He currently works as a nonprofit organizer, author, and talk radio host.