The Astral Projection Association has issued a new set of coronavirus guidelines recommending that for the duration of the crisis, all members should enter a permanent state of astral projection and maintain at least six feet of social distance from their physical bodies.
“Authorities are now recommending wearing masks even inside your own home,” said APA president B.B. Buggurburg. “But from our perspective, that doesn’t go nearly far enough. To help stop the spread of this dread disease, you need to stay at least six feet away from your physical body.”
Buggurburg explained that it is the physical body, not the soul, that is vulnerable to COVID-19: “Bodies are messy: They sneeze, they cough, they fart, they inhale toilet plumes full of fecal particles, and they play host to roughly 380 trillion viruses and 38 trillion bacteria. If you had any sense you would want to stay as far away from yours as possible. Six feet of social distance is the least you can do.”
Following Buggurberg’s announcement, disputes broke out on the astral plane as projectors began traveling far outside their bodies to spy on other projectors and shame them if they were not maintaining at least six feet of social self-distance. But since deadly weapons cannot function on the astral plane, and fistfights there are more like pillow fights, no serious injuries have been reported.
Alongside its new guidelines for members, the APA also issued a recommendation that everyone who has not yet learned the art of soul travel should do so immediately in order to rigorously practice social self-distancing and slow the spread of coronavirus.
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Dr. Barrett has taught at colleges and universities in San Francisco, Paris, and Wisconsin; where he ran for Congress in 2008. He currently works as a nonprofit organizer, author, and talk radio host.