In a stirring statement sure to lift the flagging spirits of America’s tens of millions of unemployed people, Ivanka Trump has reminded them that there are still plenty of worms, insects, garbage, and other free food sources available. “All it takes is some good old fashioned American gumption, creativity, and can-do spirit,” Ivanka said at the press rollout for her Find Something New to Eat campaign.
“There has never been a more critical time for Americans of all ages and backgrounds to be aware of the multiple pathways to caloric and nutritional sustenance in an increasingly automated, COVID-devastated jobs-free economy,” the President’s billionaire daughter said. Citing insects as a good source of B vitamins, grass and weeds as potential sources of vitamins A and C, and sunshine as a gold mine for vitamin D, Ivanka said that most Americans already get way too many calories and that it would be good for them to have to hunt cockroaches in their kitchens at night and grub in the earth by day for ants, earthworms, corpses, and other protein sources.
“Many people don’t realize how many freshly buried corpses are just lying around for the taking,” Ivanka continued. “All you have to do is dig them up and roast them. If you drain the formaldehyde properly, and cook them for at least four full hours over a 400-degree fire built from the wood that used to be your house, you can eliminate most of the remaining COVID infection and minimize your risk of contacting the disease through culinary absorption.”
The First Daughter also noted that gated communities for Jewish billionaires routinely discard copious quantities of delicious 100% kosher scraps: “All you have to do is find the dumpster outside the gate, and voila! You’re eating just like Jared and I do, except that some of it is a little bit rotten, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers, can they?”
Reaction to Ivanka’s “Find Something New to Eat” campaign has been mixed. Nancy Pelosi said Ivanka was insensitive to the plight of ordinary Americans, who ought to just eat gourmet ice cream out of $30,000 freezers like she does. Meanwhile, the handful of remaining Trump supporters, all four of them Q-Anon diehards, claimed that Ivanka was playing 3-D chess and that her discussion of digging up and eating corpses was a secret message about where the Jeffrey Epstein bodies are buried.
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Dr. Barrett has taught at colleges and universities in San Francisco, Paris, and Wisconsin; where he ran for Congress in 2008. He currently works as a nonprofit organizer, author, and talk radio host.