The British Royal Family disclosed this morning that the late Prince Philip, who passed away last Friday, has already achieved his fondest wish and succeeded in reincarnating as a deadly virus.
A statement from Buckingham Palace, issued shortly before noon, said: “It is with great pride and appreciation that Her Majesty the Queen announces the reincarnation of her beloved husband, his deceased Royal Highness Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, as a deadly virus.”
The British government announced that after the requisite eight days of national mourning of Philip’s passing, there would follow eight days of joyous celebration of the unleashing of the deadly new “Philip virus,” otherwise known as COVID-20. Plans are already afoot for MI-6 agents to spread the Philip virus at the royal funeral, which is expected to attract tens of thousands of mourners, as well as at the fireworks displays and carnivals that will celebrate the Prince’s viral reincarnation. Both the funeral and the celebrations are expected to be highly successful super-spreader events, in accordance with the Prince’s avidly-expressed last wishes.
After spending many of his 99 years as a monarchical figurehead, the reincarnated royal looks forward to another, far more productive lifetime as a viral scourge of humanity. “I expect that with any luck, I’ll be able to kill off about seven-and-a-quarter billion people,” the princely pathogen boasted. “That would be enough to meet our depopulation target, which is to leave fewer than half a billion human beings alive.”
Questioned on what it’s like to be a deadly virus, the Prince quipped: “It sure beats working!” Asked to elaborate, he explained: “As a member of the royal family, I was a destructive, parasitical entity infecting a host population. Being a virus is like being a royal, only better, because you’re so small that the paparazzi have a much harder time locating you.”
The royal virus added that anyone who wishes to donate to his ongoing charitable and philanthropic work can contribute to the tax-deductible Prince Philip Virus Depopulation Fund, which has already received more than ten billion dollars from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
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Dr. Barrett has taught at colleges and universities in San Francisco, Paris, and Wisconsin; where he ran for Congress in 2008. He currently works as a nonprofit organizer, author, and talk radio host.