McDonalds Leaves Russia—Russians Gain Four Years of Life Expectancy

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Dissociated Press

The Russian Ministry of Health announced Tuesday that McDonalds’ decision to leave Russia is expected to add more than four years to the average Russian’s life expectancy.

Studies undertaken by the University of Moscow School of Health Issues and Troubles (UMSHIT) show that when the drunken buffoon Boris Yeltsin took over Russia after the CIA coup of 1991, Russian men lost almost a decade of life expectancy. Originally it was thought that the looting of Russia by CIA-affiliated Zionist billionaire oligarchs had destroyed life-support systems for food, utilities, and other infrastructure, and that Russians were so depressed about being ruled by an evil American-owned clown like Yeltsin that they started drinking themselves to death.

But more recent research has revealed that McDonalds also played a role. “We discovered that the high-calorie, high-carb, addictive-chemical-drenched drek served by McDonalds was responsible for almost half of the massive loss of life expectancy suffered by Russia after its defeat in the Cold War,” said UMSHIT researcher Morgansky Spurlockovich. “That means that during the past three decades, McDonalds has killed nearly as many Russians as Hitler did. Expelling McDonalds from Russia will save millions of Russian lives and go a long way toward addressing our demographic deficit.”

Sources close to Vladimir Putin say that Russia will not only send McDonalds back to the US, but also covertly fund its operations there.  By spending a fraction of the vast wealth Russia is earning due to higher energy prices to open even more McDonalds franchises in America, sources say, Putin will further feminize American men, render them obese and unable to fight, and ultimate kill millions of Americans at a fraction of the cost of a single 9M730 Burevestnik radioactive-tidal-wave-causing cruise missile.

Meanwhile, rumors that the Russian Air Force has begun dropping Big Macs with fries and soda on decision-making centers in Kiev have not yet been confirmed by official sources.

SOURCEDissociated Press

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11 COMMENTS

  1. In the Finland of my youth, there was a top-notch restaurant chain called “Hamburger Börs”. Located exclusively at major railroad stations, ¨Good, wholesome meals that also included Russian and Baltic signature dishes,
    Finland joining NATO will leave the playing field open to MacDonald’s brutal relocation and infection into the hitherto quiite manly souls and and bodies of the ready-to-take-up-armes of 600.ooo finni reservists and all their famous sisu spirit. .

  2. Kevin. Now you’ve really crossed the line! I never see a McDonald’s without a long line at their drive-through. They are doing more for the economy than even Baby Bush when he suggested we all go shopping at the malls to stimulate economic growth.

    • Such long line at drive-through that you see in McDonald’s could be because is the only cheap food a lot people they can purchase today after Biden economic disaster ??

  3. Let them get out of my country and never come back. Yes, the products were local, Russian. But, how can you eat such shit and bring children there? Being fat from eating in my country is a shame. There is a wonderful, natural, delicious food in the Russian Federation. We don’t need McDonald’s, KFS, burger king and other gastronomic shit.

    • I agree. We in the US are being killed by the food that we eat, all made possible by big corporations out to rule the world. Get rid of Pepsi, Coke and such products also. All are addicting and cause an increase in diabetic. Photos from the 1960’s in this country compared to today are just unbelievable. Then, no one was fat. Not so today.Here we are not free. Lying media, no true news for decades, run by the deep state, all politicians owned by Big Pharma over here. All of our foods are loaded with all kinds of chemicals. When I look at our so called top officials and listen to their BS, I can’t help but think, what barrel did they scrape these loosers out of?

  4. Certainly hope McDonald’s will pack-up and leave Minnesota too! Poor quality imitation at inflated prices. Isn’t America great!

  5. Biden is furious with Putin’s war declaration of send McDonalds back to the US and as Sleeper-in-Chief he has commanded to Sec Def Austin begin a bombing campaign….. in Somalia, as revenge for dare vote a new president by themselves few days ago…. 🙂

    • Hopefully, he would start with his home state of Delaware that kept sending this loser to Congress for years. With no measurably useful results. They’re already naming schools and interstate rest stops after this buffoon.

Comments are closed.